::babyblog::

10 Months?! Where did the rest go!?

2009-02-23T08:10:00.000-08:00

Davin Michael Lucas
10 Months on 2/7/09
Weight: 19lbs

I noticed that most mommies who had a baby blog were DILIGENT in updating until about 6 months, then everything stopped. I couldn't understand why....I swore that wouldn't be me. Lo and behold....it's been 5 months since I updated this thing!

Why? Well...there are a lot of different reasons. Six months is a pretty good age. They start babbling and moving around. They also start playing more and won't be content to just sit in their swing while you update the world about how awesome they are. Between eating and playing, there isn't much time for anything else.

Another reason, my business. I started a photography business awhile back. After a long haul of advertising, shooting nearly free sessions and plugging away at trying to start out in a terrible community....I finally started getting business. Albiet not 20 clients every week....sometimes not even one a week, but enough to keep me constantly busy between the little one and something I absolutely love to do.

So....back to Davin.

At 6 months Davin was sitting unsupported. He started eating a huge variety of foods and generally was a happy baby. We got our first tooth that month and experienced the joys of a tooth actually pushing through (there's a difference between teething and the tooth coming through- you learn that quickly!)

At 7 months Davin was much more curious. He loved to explore things that were in his hands. He was switching objects back and forth between two hands and was already feeding himself and drinking out of a sippy cup.

At 8 months, I was starting to get concerned that he was not interested in crawling. We had a great Christmas and he got thoroughly spoiled on toys and attention. He was starting to pull himself up on objects with assistance but still had no interest in getting around. By 8 months he was clearly saying "Mama and Dada" to us and had developed quite an attitude and personality.

At 9 months, he went for a checkup. I was still worried he didn't want to crawl, but the doctor assured me not to worry. He was 18lbs 4oz and was given the go ahead to switch from baby food to table food. He was already trying to eat whatever we were eating anyways!

Right before his 10 month mark, he figured out how to crawl at Grandma's house. It was a relief and a celebration.

Now that he is crawling- he is still not "getting in to everything". He's slow and steady and more interested in playing with small toys or fine motor activities.

His vocabulary has expanded to mama, dada, ba (bottle), buba (his newest nickname w/daddy and I), and yay! He also tries to say more, but it sounds a lot like mom.

He is extremely interested in walking but has not completely figured out crusing yet. He wants us to hold his hands all the way around the house.

I can't think of much else to add, I can't believe his birthday is a little over a month away!

Hey Wait...I was 5 Months Old Two Weeks Ago!!

2008-09-17T16:46:00.001-07:00

Davin Michael Lucas
5 Months: 09/07/08
14lbs" (approx)

Yes, I'm late as usual. That photo, was actually taken right around his 5 month birthday. Unfortunately, I forgot to update until today.

A little after 5 months, Davin started sitting up. Not completely on his own, but with his boppy around him on the floor to keep him steady. This is a huge accomplishment! He's also standing for a few seconds on his own and pulling himself up. Not crawling yet, but acting like he might want to soon. He's quite skilled at rolling around now- and we frequently find him on his tummy at night.

In two weeks we will have made it through half a year alive. I'm amazed, elated, exhausted...and a whole slew of other adjectives all rolled into one.

Here's a few photos of Davin in his first formal outfit and his very first Halloween costume from today:

Dear Family

2008-08-24T15:13:00.000-07:00

Well, I had wanted this to be in an email but it's much easier to add photos and videos using this blog format.

I know there are many of you reading this update that haven't heard much over the past few months and I am very sorry! I do update this blog regularly with information about our little guy and you are always welcome to come and read what's going on. For those of you who haven't even met him yet, I'm hoping that we see you soon, he's growing so fast!

Davin will be 5 months on the 7th of September and yes, by October we will have made it halfway through his first year. Everyone tells you it goes by so fast, but you really just don't understand it until you have one of your own.

Davin is a fairly content child. If he is crying, most of the time it's because he is hungry. He will almost always crack a smile for you and lately he has been a fan of laughing if someone makes a goofy face at him. He's a huge mama's boy, but he warms up to other people pretty quickly.

Davin's Milestones:

-First Smile: around 5 weeks old (no, it wasn't gas! this kid smiles ALL the time!)
-Holding His Head up: around 3 months
-First Solid Food: Avocados @ 3 1/2 Months
-Rolling Over: 3 1/2 Months (tummy to back) 4 Months (back to tummy)

He still doesn't have a lot of "favorites". He eats pretty much anything, fruits and veggies alike. He does seem to have an attachment to his little stuffed dog rattle.

Sleeping through the night, taking decent naps, not a picky eater, fairly content....I think we made out pretty well.

Here's his stats:

Birth: 5lbs, 5oz- 18 1/4" Not on the charts %

1 Month: 7lbs (approx) 19" 5th % (h&w)
2 Months: 9lbs (approx) 21"
3 Months: 11lbs 8oz, 23" 25th % (h&w)
4 Months: 13lbs 20z, 24" 25th % (h&w)

And here are a few videos for you guys!

Davin rolling over at 3 1/2 months.

Davin in his Jumperoo at 3 1/2 months.

You can access photos of Davin at

http://picasaweb.google.com/fallchildphoto/

I'm 4 Months Old, Mommy!

2008-08-20T06:26:00.000-07:00

Davin Michael
4 Months on 8/7/08
13lbs 2oz, 24"

Davin is growing like crazy. I took him to the pediatrician this past Friday for his 4 month appointment and almost passed out when he started talking about crawling. I know, technically, this his next milestone but I'm not ready for my baby to be mobile! All that bs you hear about, "they grow up so fast"....well it's true. You just can't really imagine it until you have a baby.

He's become even more of a mama's boy and is starting to act shy at some times with certain people. It's weird for his personality, I think he'll grow out of it quite quickly.

He is beginning to reach out and grab toys, put things in his mouth and loves to bounce. The jumperoo is by far his favorite toy. We started sign language yesterday and so far, he just laughs whenever I sign something.

Per the recommendation of others and our ped, he is now eating solids. He had very little chance of developing allergies and has done great so far. After introducing 2 veggies and about 4 fruits, we've had no adverse reactions. It has also helped improve his reflux, mood and volume of intake during the day.

I have begun breaking out of the stereotype mold and meeting other mommies. Although I haven't had much time lately, the hikes and picnics I've gone on have been a godsend to just get out of the house.

4 months down, another 17 years 8 months to go!
(Oh wait, you mean they're still yours at 18? Aw hell)

Anything having to do with me...

2008-08-20T06:25:00.000-07:00

Is now in a separate blog

http://deviantmommy.blogspot.com/

You can find my photography website at

http://www.fallchildphotography.info

and anything having to do with the baby stays right here!

Organizing Life

2008-08-01T11:53:00.000-07:00

So, I decided to reorganize things a tad.

There have been some posts in here unrelated to Davs. I was using this as a personal blog as well as a way to update life with Davin.

I am going to go back and pull all the posts that are personal and put them in a separate blog. I am also going to start a blog for my photography.

That way, people who are interested in Davin stuff (family) can look at this without sifting through my chaos.

Happy 3 Months, Davin! (Late again!)

2008-07-17T12:22:00.000-07:00

Davin Michael Lucas- 3 Months on 7/7/08
11lbs 8oz, 23"

Davin is now sleeping through the night, every night. He has his routine of eating a lot before bed and then crashing at about 9:30-5:45.

After eating upwards of 40oz a day, the pediatrician asked us to try the rice cereal. I was scared as hell, because of all the studies I had read about starting solids too early. I told her I would try it for one day and see how he did. Since he has more than doubled his birth weight and can now sit in his bumbo-style seat on his own, I figured I'd give it one shot. Needless to say, he did great and we are occasionally giving him cereal. I'm still nervous, but I guess that's what being a mommy is about.

He is already dying to be a "big boy". He has to sit in his big boy chair in the middle of whatever we are doing (next to the computer, on the dinner table, in the middle of the kitchen, etc.)

He bears all his weight on his legs and bounces- he's just DYING to get into his exersaucer but his feet still don't touch the ground! By next month we should be golden :)

He's rolling over back to tummy and tummy to back but not all at the same time.

He loves to talk, coos constantly. Flirts with everyone, I've never seen a baby smile so much.

Since I'm late on this- he has 2 more weeks until his 4 month well baby. Things are looking good!

I don't like updating until I get his monthly photos done and that usually takes upwards of a week...

But here it is, a little late.

Feeling Grateful

2008-07-13T20:51:00.000-07:00

I know, most of my posts lately have been links. Not cool.

Here's another one. A girl in my Denver playgroup wrote this. I had not gotten to know her or her daughter, but saw the link when looking for the next play date.

I read this journal entry and of course, it tugged at my heart.

Any other mommy can relate to almost feeling guilty after reading this. You get so caught up in life that you forget how blessed you really are. When your baby wakes up crying, you get annoyed that you can't have just another hour of sleep. Or when your husband won't get off the couch to make you a bottle, you feel overwhelmed and unappreciated.

But what if there was no cry over that baby monitor, or no baby to make a bottle for? What if you were given long enough with your child to create a lasting bond and begin to dream of the future- only to get it ripped away?

Instead of feeling guilt, feel blessed.

We get these stupid "live for today" chain emails all of the time. They're supposed to be sappy and make us emotional, to remind us that we should be thankful for what we have. But it hits so much closer to home here- this story is real. There are photos to go along with the names.

Maybe, even if it's just for tonight, I'll kiss Davin a couple more times. I'll take more care in the way I lay him in his crib and I won't get upset when he cries for me. Sure there will still be days where I'm overwhelmed, feeling unappreciated or annoyed- but today won't be one of them.

In Need

2008-07-07T13:45:00.001-07:00

A family in need.

However you deal with spiritual matters, send prayers/thoughts/karma their way.

FINALLY!

2008-06-30T17:59:00.001-07:00

(Reposted from Cafemom, I am so excited to have a pediatrician who listens and respects my beliefs)

Today was the first time I went to a doctor (any type) and I left feeling confident and happy.

I've had a lot of bad experiences with doctors over the last few years. I've struggled to find like-minded physicians who don't discredit alternative medicine and embrace other ways of thinking. Although I am still on the search for a general practitioner who embraces these values, I have now found a pediatric practice that I absolutely adore.

After my terrible experience with my original pediatrician regarding Davin's 2 month shots, I was on the hunt for someone who would at least respect the way I feel. I came across a practice through Dr. Sears' website, that looked promising.

On their website I saw traces of what I believed were alternative ways of thinking. Many of the pediatricians bios included training in homeopathic medicine. I was a little nervous that not every person in this practice would follow this mindset, because that would just be too good to be true (over 10 peds/np's in the office). Their schedules were booked and I was placed with a doctor who had no mention of holistic medicine in her bio.

I swallowed my fears, got my information ready and went in with an open mind.

Inside the waiting room, I saw a pamphlet on treating certain illnesses with herbs/homeopathic remedies. This was my first good sign. I also saw the waiver for immunizations, another good sign that they have this so readily available.

Davin saw Dr. Lisa Miller and I cannot say enough good things about her. She listened to my concerns and really cared. She validated my fears on the dangers of certain vaccinations and made me feel respected. The motto of this practice is: "Medicine is ultimately in the hands of the provider- parents always have the last say". I felt empowered. She even asked MY opinion on certain pediatric herbal formulas and asked for suggestions on any products my mom prescribes. I was in awe. How many times does a doctor ask YOU for your opinion?

She was warm, friendly, and CARED. She respected the way I felt and never made me feel stupid or ashamed for my beliefs.

I signed the vax waiver and was told that I would be telling THEM when and how to start vaccinating my child. How absolutely wonderful is that.

Really, the end all of this experience for me was when *SHE* changed my son's diaper for me during the exam. It was as if she cared for this child as much as I do.

I am so thankful to have found someone who listens and cares and UNDERSTANDS. It was definitely worth the wait.

Davs is Famous

2008-06-20T16:07:00.000-07:00

This photo has now made my baby a star!
He's on the profile picture for HURT on their Myspace

I always knew he was the cutest!

Life in June

2008-06-12T10:14:00.000-07:00

So Davin is continuing to sleep though the night. I attribute this to baths and gripe water.

I've gone back to sleeping all night and not wanting to wake up at 5am, fortunately I have a husband who (kicking and screaming) feeds him before he gets ready for work. Yes literally, kicking and screaming. I love how guys offer something (like feeding the baby before work) and then once reality sets in they're over it.

Davs is going to his other Grandma's house this weekend (Brian's mom) and I'm a little nervous. I'm just fine leaving him at my mom's house, but I think that's because I feel more comfortable telling her things (like sleeping on his back, that's new for their generation). I know he'll be just fine, it's just a little more unnerving than my first time letting him go to my mom. We're going to Electric Daisy Carnival for my birthday, but I'm sure I'll be worrying about Davs half the time.

Happy 2 Months!

2008-06-10T13:15:00.000-07:00

It's a little late, but things have been crazy lately.

My amazing baby boy is now two months old. He has spent more time awake during the day and continued to sleep through the night. His smiles and coo's light up my worst days just like his cries break my heart. He's begun to recognize my face as well as Brian's, it's an amazing thing when you feel like your child has begun to know you and love you.

By this time next month I have a feeling he'll be close to mastering his head on his own. He gets it up and holds it up for minutes at a time. On his tummy, he's learned to kick his legs and scoot himself on his tummy. Not very far, but far enough for us to have a heart attack right before he scoots off of the edge of the couch.

He loves his little play gym and has started reaching for brightly colored toys in front of his face. As soon as he's able to hold his head up, I know he'll be ready for his bouncy seat. He already loves to kick his legs up and down.

We have our good days and our bad, but somehow when you're away from him you miss everything- even the piercing screams and poopy diapers.

Sleeping!

2008-06-01T10:21:00.000-07:00

Davin slept the ENTIRE night for the first time last night. He's done a big stretch before 11-4am. But last night he had his last bottle at 10 and didn't wake up till 5am. I slept from about 11 till 9 (made Brian get up with him) it was absolutely wonderful.

Real Life

2008-05-25T17:49:00.000-07:00

My first time hungover since September of 2007. I definitely didn't miss this.

Davs spent the night with my parents last night and we went out. It was our friend Maggie's birthday and we started at her party and made our way over to Beta to see James Zabiela. Hands down one of my favorite DJ's. I saw a lot of friends and had a ton of fun hanging out. I ran into a girl who used to be one of my best friends, it was kind of weird seeing her. I was happy about it though, I hope it gives us an excuse to reconnect.

Brian and I came home and slept together in the same bed, all night, for the first time in a long long time.

I was recovering most of the day, but I've been laying on the couch with my little munchkin. I didn't miss him while we were out, but I had a renewed sense of love and appreciation for him this afternoon.

It's true what they say, mommies who get nights off are better mommies.

Tired

2008-05-23T10:31:00.000-07:00

I "love" how my son can pass out in my arms but when I put him down somewhere to sleep he's a screaming mess. Love is loosely used here, cause it's a bittersweet feeling. One half of me is happy he's so attached to me and the other is pissed off that I'll never get any sleep and my house will always be a pigsty.

Some nights Davin sleeps till 4am, others he won't quit crying for the life of him. I don't think I'll miss this stage of life, not by a long shot.

Time Flies...

2008-05-14T15:29:00.000-07:00

As much time as I still spend at the computer, I can't find enough time to sit down and write a full post. Although I feel like I have retained much of my wit and personality through this life changing event, maybe I have lost some of that logic I was so fond of.

Things have been going as well as they can for someone who popped out a kid (ok, not technically) almost 6 weeks ago. I've gotten back into a diet and exercise routine, but have cheated a few times (okay...more than a few?). I've got 8lbs left till my pre pregnancy weight and then another 20 or so till my first goal. Not that it is at the forefront of my battle, blood pressure is still my main focus. The medication is working and I'm on a new herbal formula as well. Hopefully with the weight loss and nutrition, I can begin to see some normalcy out of this whole ordeal.

As a mommy, life has it's moments where you're sure this is what you were meant to do (like right now with my little munchkin sleeping on my chest) and others where you're not sure how you ever were duped into keeping the thing (like at 3am when he won't stop crying). You hear it from a hundred people, it's bittersweet.

Life is very hot and cold right now. Some days, I can't even believe this child is mine (can you blame me? he looks NOTHING like me). Others, all I want to do is snuggle with my little baby boy and I can't get enough of the times like that. I spend most of my day in my pj pants and only find the motivation to get out of the house a few times a week. I'm sure the sleep deprivation doesn't help.

But overall, it's not as bad as I thought it would be. Sounds weird right? I thought being a mommy would cause tears and heartache and I would never get any sleep. But I get a few hours here and there and I've managed to elude the monster known as Postpartum Depression. I think I probably deserve a break in that realm, after all I went through to get this little guy into the world.

I'm excited for the things coming up. I feel full of life again. Brian and I are going out as a couple for the first time again to see Zabiela over Memorial Day weekend. We're also going to Electric Daisy Carnival for my birthday and Sara and I have plans to see Hurt to celebrate each other's birthdays. On top of all that, I've been having a lot of fun getting out of the house with Davin and just feeling FREE again (free as in bed rest, not pregnancy!)

I'll try to update more often, next time I'll update with some of Davin's milestones (already!)

We Got the Bill...

2008-05-05T19:38:00.001-07:00

This child cost 45,000$ to deliver safely!
(Thank god for insurance)

One Month Old!

2008-05-05T16:50:00.001-07:00

Life changes, overnight.

My little booger is one month old today. Coincidentally , it is also Cinco De Mayo and my good friend Steve's birthday. It is also 3 days past my original due date, which is scary as hell. I can't even imagine having to wait that long, or even still being pregnant!

We're still adjusting to life. Brian tries his hardest but we're still sleeping in separate places at times. The noise of the baby in the middle of the night is rough on him. Between the physical separation of sleep and the physical separation after a baby, our marriage seems a little unsteady. Not bad, just distant.

We went out to dinner on Saturday night while the little one was at Grandma and Grandpa's house. After a 2 hour dinner, we didn't know what to do with ourselves. It was a strange feeling. I wasn't upset leaving him alone, I loved having some adult time.

Davin is amazing. He is already trying to hold his head up on his own, and gets it up for little stretches at a time. He smiles at random things and is starting to coo when he is happy. He always has to be holding his binkie or the bottle when they are in his mouth, I have a feeling he's going to be a bit of a control freak.

At one month old he's gained over a pound and grown more than an inch. Someday soon, he'll be able to wear regular newborn clothes!

Life is chaotic but in the end, it's all worth it.

3 Weeks

2008-04-28T17:31:00.000-07:00

Exhausted....Really!?!

There have been so many things going on it has felt like we were going to crack. Brian's aunt passing, my health, Davin having issues with his formula (and subsequently not sleeping much) and the list continues. Brian and I both fell apart this weekend and took it out on each other at the end. It was a nasty battle, but I'm hopeful it will be the last one for a long time.

We're both so emotionally and physically exhausted that we let everything just blow up.

I don't have a 3 week photo of the little one yet, I'm planning on taking some photos for his announcements either tomorrow or later this week. I'll post one.

Thankfully we're taking care of everything, one step at a time. Brian's Aunt's funeral is on Wednesday. We got Davin on a new formula and it seems to be working much better. I went to see a new doctor today who got me on a new prescription (less medication) and gave me some good advice.

Life will get less chaotic, it'll just take awhile.

2 Weeks Later...

2008-04-22T16:00:00.001-07:00

And my little Charlie Brown is getting so big. He does look a little like Charlie Brown, that's Grandma's favorite name for him. Every day he looks more and more like his father, which is kind of bizarre.

I would say that, "time is flying by" but that would partly be a lie. There are times it seems like the days are just melting together and going by fast and there are others I wake up exhausted, wondering when I'll get a break.

Motherhood is not easy, that's for sure.

He's a great baby. He hardly ever fusses, I get some grunts and maybe even a short cry when he's hungry, cold or being changed. Other than those brief uncomfortable times, he's calm as can be. I can't even imagine what life would be like with a fussy baby.

The days do get a little routine and mundayne with a baby, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Birth Story

2008-04-16T13:49:00.001-07:00

I'm going to write two separate entries about the hospital- a birth story and the hospital stay. Unfortunately, my hospital stay was pretty scary and traumatic because of my lingering health issues. However, I don't want to include that with the memory of when Davin was born.

On Monday morning, April 7th, I went to Sky Ridge for my routine labs. I had been told there was a slight possibility that I would be induced that night if things weren't looking good. Needless to say, things were not looking good. My blood pressure had gone up to 160/100 and the fluid around Davin was really low. After awhile, the nurse let me know that my doctor was admitting me to the hospital and they were going to put me in a Labor and Delivery room to start the induction.

As soon as my doctor showed up, she was already talking about a c-section. She was afraid Davin wouldn't be able to handle labor because his heart rate was already showing distress and the fluid was so low. She spent about 10 minutes acting like she *might* let me try labor and then started prepping me for the c-section.

Brian barely made it to the hospital in time.

They finished prepping me in my room and wheeled me into the OR. Sara was standing outside the door and I saw her for a brief second before they brought me back.

They brought me in and got me on the operating table and had me sitting up for the spinal. The nurse practitioner who had been overseeing some of my care at the hospital was in the operating room, which made me feel so comforted. I had developed a strong bond with some of the hospital staff, particularly the two NP's from the Perionatoligist group. She held my hands and head while they got the spinal in, which wasn't a huge deal- just uncomfortable.

I laid down and between the numbing block and the morphine I was pretty zoned out. After a quite sobering 9 months, my body was in shock from the drugs. They did all the unpleasant stuff (like putting in a catheter) and then brought Brian in to sit with me. We talked and joked for what felt like a few minutes (or an eternity) and then all of the sudden we heard a baby cry.

Brian got up and went over to where the nurse was assessing Davin. She wiped him off and wrapped him up and Brian brought him over to me. They laid him on my chest and I was just kind of awestruck. There isn't a whole lot you can say about that first moment, because many times you're just overwhelmed (and a bit out of it, too).

For the first day or so, I was pretty heavily medicated. I was on Magnesium Sulfate to keep my blood pressure stable and the morphine was making me itch like a crack fiend. It wasn't until much later the next day when I was spending a moment alone in my room with my son, that it all caught up to me.

I was a mommy and he was absolutely perfect.

I am very lucky that Davin was only born at 36 & 4 and had no problems whatsoever. He got off to a rock star start.

I continue to say, I'd rather be the one with the health problems than him. It would break my heart to see him go through pain. I'll update more about my hospital stay and recovery later.

I Promise...

2008-04-14T14:05:00.000-07:00

I will update soon with a birth story and all kinds of fun stuff about the little monster.

I just have to find the energy to rehash what was an incredibly traumatic stay at the hospital.

For now, I'm going to go sleep with my baby boy.

Dreaming of You

2008-04-03T17:10:00.001-07:00

In quiet contemplation
my hand rests on my belly
feeling you shift under the warmth of my touch.

The reality of your life
beginning inside of me
has suddenly overwhelmed my conscious thought.

With every movement
I begin to envision
holding you for the very first time.

Sleep with me
as I am dreaming now
of the moment you arrive at last.- DML*4/3/08

It's still a little bizarre to me sometimes that there is a full grown baby in my stomach.

Maybe as pregnant women, we develop a certain amount of disassociation with our bodies as a defense mechanism in case anything were to go wrong.

You are well aware there is a living being inside of you, the constant kicks and shoves are always a good reminder that they're in there. But it is difficult to completely understand the fact that you created this child and it is now grown and ready to come into the world.

I'm having emotional moments, getting so close to labor. I had one this afternoon when I saw a little foot kick through my tank top. I imagined grabbing his foot and playing with his toes.

By no means will I miss being pregnant, this has pushed every boundary for me physically and emotionally. And yet, even through all of the tears and fear and heartache....I can't say I wouldn't do it again someday.

I am ready for you, baby boy.

That Memo....

2008-04-02T14:14:00.000-07:00

Already got destroyed!

I went in to the actual OB today and she said she may end up keeping me to start induction on Monday morning. My labs were borderline last week and she's convinced it'll just be easier to admit me on Monday while I'm already there.

I wish someone would make up their damn mind.

So I'm anxiously trying to get things in order in my house and prepare my head for having a baby in 5 days.

Stressed out? A little!

April 1st

2008-04-01T14:28:00.000-07:00

It feels like time has dragged on forever.

I look back and every one of my blog posts is about my health, Davin's health, a hospital trip or a Doctor's visit. I'm fully aware that the last month of pregnancy is usually like this- lots of trips to the doctor, aches & pains and anxious waiting.

Maybe I feel like I've been jipped a little and everyone around me is probably sick and tired of hearing about the roller coaster ride that has been this pregnancy. I guess that's the wonderful thing about life; you make plans and then realize no one else got your memo.

I started out promising myself that I wouldn't be one of those people that spends every moment with their friends talking about what it's like to be pregnant and dragging them into the ever exciting discussions about babies. None of my friends have kids, I was sure that none of them would want to hear about it.

But when that's all your life is, it's really hard to find much else to talk about. I know pretty soon we'll move on and I'll have to tell them all about the cutest things my son did that day or how well he's progressing, but I'm hoping to retain some of my humor and somewhat adult behavior on occasion.

I've got 3 more days until I hit 36 weeks. A month ago, that seemed like an impossible goal and my frazzled nerves prevented me from thinking of anything other than the worst. Now, I feel like I could accomplish anything.

And although I wrote a memo for how I'd like labor to go next Friday, I'm well aware no one else will get it. As long as we make it out okay, I'm not going to complain.

Davin's Bday!

2008-03-28T09:45:00.000-07:00

My induction is scheduled for April 11th, two weeks!

That means only 4 more doctors appointments, only 2 more quiet weekends, only 14 more days of worrying whether or not I'm getting sick or my blood pressure is too high...

I'm absolutely beside myself with excitement.

Plan B

2008-03-26T16:30:00.000-07:00

I went in to see my regular OB (for once) and nearly had a heart attack.

Before she had gotten the compiled information from the ultrasounds I had today, she informed me that she had scheduled an induction for me on the 21st of April. So, as long as I continued to avoid the preeclampsia, I would be waiting another 3 1/2 weeks until delivery.

Not to sound incredibly selfish and sick here, but I've been on bed rest for almost 2 months now. I've been told 2-3x a week that I could go into labor or get sick at "any moment". I've mentally and emotionally prepared myself for this child to come before it's due date...and you want me to wait another THREE AND A HALF WEEKS (still on the couch, no modifying my bed rest). I was irate.

However...I did get some better news later in the afternoon.

Since my last growth ultrasound, Davin has gone from the 58th percentile at 31wks 6dys (about 4 1/3 lbs) to the 20th percentile (only 5lbs). That means less than a pound in 3 weeks- when he's supposed to be gaining 1/2-3/4lbs a week.

The perionatoligist said I'm okay at the moment, since he's being so closely monitored- but she wants me delivered in 2 weeks.

Such relief for my sanity and my pregnancy depression. Unfortunately, when you're prone to depression, being stuck on the couch and isolated from the world doesn't do much for your spirits. I'm ready to move on now.

There's always a slight chance I go into labor before then, Davin's already somewhat engaged in my pelvis area. And the constant bhix contractions don't help the cause either. I'll post the induction date as soon as my OB changes it.

No Baby

2008-03-23T13:03:00.000-07:00

Sorry Jess, no baby yet.

I'm about ready to evict him though, I'm so uncomfortable.

Surreal

2008-03-19T13:31:00.000-07:00

Although I've been on the edge of having this baby for weeks now, it still really hasn't sunk in that I'm about to give birth. I'm very aware of all of the symptoms I need to look out for and I'm on high alert hoping I don't get sick, but thanks to the fragile state of my pregnancy I have had very little time to focus on the fact there is a baby coming.

It's a little surreal. Even when you wake up every morning, feel your child kicking and poking you, it's hard to get your head around the fact he's a full grown baby now and will be making his way out into the world soon.

I think all of the extra tests, appointments and hospital visits have kept me from really freaking out about the actual LABOR. I guess with as much as we have been through already, Labor looks more like the light at the end of the tunnel and not the looming dark pit that most women start fearing towards the end.

Yes, I'm going to be a mommy soon. I'm still not really mentally understanding that and I might not until he's actually here.

I just wake up every morning so grateful that we're both still alive and healthy. The rest of it is still a little surreal.

More Waiting

2008-03-17T15:16:00.000-07:00

No changes to report, which is good.

I went to the Dr. this AM and found out I've gained a lot more weight than I had originally planned. I know about 5lbs of it is water retention, but it still sucks. On bed rest, there isn't a whole lot I can do about it. I eat very little and generally eat healthy, but the limited activity is causing it all to sit around. Oh well, I'm not going to complain if we're healthy.

Went back to the hospital for more monitoring. I'm going there instead of the office for my weekly appointments from now on, to avoid all of the running around. Davin wasn't moving around as much as he normally does, so they did an ultrasound to make sure he was ok. He's still looking fine and still head down (yay!). He looks so cute every time they scan me.

My placenta has started to calcify which is a result of the hypertension. I guess it's not a huge concern cause they're keeping such a close eye on us.

So far so good. My Doctor thinks if all goes well and I don't get sick, they'll let me go till up to 37 weeks to give my body the chance to labor naturally. I obviously won't make it past then and we're kind of assuming it will be sooner than that. It's all just sitting around and waiting...which sucks.

Just trying to stay busy, or um, occupied at least!

Today Sucks

2008-03-16T10:33:00.000-07:00

I'm so damn tired of the same old thing.

I'm tired of the pain, tired of being uncomfortable, tired of always feeling out of breath and all the contractions....It's even worse when you're not allowed to do anything. I'm sick of watching movies or sitting on the computer, I'm dying to just get in the car and go to a movie or have lunch or something.

I'm running out of ideas and patience.

Hopeful

2008-03-15T10:18:00.001-07:00

I almost felt stupid yesterday when I went into Labor & Delivery.

The nurses there all know me by name.

I'm still having contractions, but according to the nurses yesterday it's nothing to worry about. I'm not dilated and really that's all that matters. I thought having more than a few contractions a day at 33 weeks would be something to be concerned about, but now I'm starting to think that maybe Davin knows they're going to evict him in a few weeks and he's just practicing.

I'm hopeful that because I am already having noticeable false labor, that I'll be allowed to try a regular birth. I know she won't let me labor without an epidural, but I'll get over it. I should find out Monday what her plans are for delivery right now.

I keep hearing from other people how I need to stay strong because it's all going to be worth it in a few weeks. It's interesting to hear that from people who would probably rather die than have a child. I'm just over the waiting and worrying.

33 weeks and 1 day. I'm counting down everywhere I go. If he can make it 1 more week and 6 more days, we'll be safe. It's so close now, I'm so encouraged we've made it this far.

Ready to Bail

2008-03-13T09:59:00.000-07:00

It's a new day and I'm trying to feel positive.

The fact I don't have to go to the doctor twice this week is enough cause for celebration.

I met a girl on Cafemom who is dealing with the same things I am and ironically, she's in Littleton. I feel terrible for her because her condition has progressed much farther than mine and they are talking about taking her baby via c-section tomorrow. She's only 30 weeks 5 days and that's scary in itself. Of course her baby will be fine, but that long stay in the NICU is daunting. I wish I could do something for her, but as a stranger (and someone who is dealing with the same thing) all I can really do is send her verbal encouragement.

I woke up this morning really, really sore. I'm sure I continued to have contractions throughout the night, but to be perfectly honest- I don't want to go back to the hospital unless I'm sick or unless my water breaks. Otherwise, I can lay on the couch and deal with some contractions.

One way or another, this baby wants out.

I talked to my mom for quite awhile last night and she started going over things she could come help me with. She's going to help us make some meals for the freezer, help me get the house clean (it's such a wreck), go get us a few things we forgot (recieving blankets, etc.) and bring me some groceries (hopefully). We're running thin on keeping up around here with only one abled body person (who is gone for nearly 11 hours a day).

As selfish as it sounds, I'm just ready for them to bail and deliver Davin. All the appointments, hospital visits, stress and not feeling well (all the time!) are really starting to wear on me. If that doesn't raise my bp, I don't know what will.

Another Week

2008-03-12T14:42:00.000-07:00

I am so tired of the fucking hospital.

Went to the doctor's office this morning. BP was a little elevated, but not bad. My doctor wanted me to get on the monitor, but didn't plan it out so that I could do it at her office. She sent me over to labor and delivery, again. I should have just told her I didn't want to go.

I got the pervert nurse who didn't know what the hell she was doing, made me change into a gown for no reason, wouldn't leave the room for me to change and continously pulled my underwear down when she would reposition the monitor on my belly.

My child did achieve something, he finally turned his head down. Yay.

I was having contractions (wtf?!) and was dialated about 1 1/2 cm. So now I'm dealing with preterm labor, as well.

Today is one of those days I just feel completely beaten down. Although I want to be positive (we made it another week without delievery), I just feel so worn out. I've battled with depression my entire life and sometimes it's worse than others. I haven't been on meds for years, but today I could really use some. I am having a really tough time dealing with all of this...

Just a Little Longer

2008-03-11T17:27:00.000-07:00

Every appointment from now on I will be thinking in the back of my head, "Is today the day?"

When I first started my OB appointments, I'd get nervous about something simple like drawing blood. Now I'm scared to death a lab is going to come back abnormal or my blood pressure is going to be high and I'll get whisked off to L&D again. The next time I get admitted, I will most likely have a baby.

I'm praying for something uneventful tomorrow. Stable blood pressure, stable labs and back to the couch to wait a little longer.

Come on Davin, you can make it a little longer.

Well Written

2008-03-11T10:47:00.000-07:00

I responded to a question on one of the mommy boards about regretting getting pregnant and how your life will change after the arrival of your child. I found my response to be very well worded and honest- so I'll repost

You wrote on Mar. 11, 2008 at 1:46 PM

This is kind of a tough question for me...

I did not feel like I was ready to have a kid. Although I was engaged and had already graduated college, I didn't feel like my relationship with my fiance was stable enough to raise a child. I never thought twice about keeping this baby, but I was very shocked and a little unhappy that we had concieved. In the first few months I was a little resentful, because my life was changing so dramatically and I felt as if I was losing a lot of myself (my friends, my social life, my job, etc.)

My son has already changed me in ways I never imagined. He solidified the bond between my husband and I and finally gave us a reason to work our problems out. Although I lost a lot of friends, they weren't worth my time to begin with. I found strength and courage I never knew I had. This pregnancy, was a blessing in disguise.

I don't like the word regret and if I felt any, it was short lived and self centered. I know that this child was some sort of divine intervention, because my life the way I was living it was really not worth much. As difficult as this pregnancy has been due to my health, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

I know that once he's here, my life will completely revolve around him. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Getting Ready

2008-03-09T11:48:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how many clothes this kid has!

I'm prewashing everything before I put it away and I swear his laundry piles are bigger than ours. And his clothes are 1/8th our size.

I realized while I was organizing, that we didn't get ANY reciving blankets or burp cloths. We have a few, but I should probably go get a few more.

I'm starting to get the nursery all put together, I'll post pictures when I'm finished.

The Origin of an Overprotective Mommy

2008-03-08T16:08:00.000-08:00

I'm not a girly girl, by any means. By that I mean I've never lived up to the stereotypical female image. Pink is not a color you can catch me in very often, I'm incredibly comfortable leaving the house without makeup and I spent most of my time as a child playing with action figures, not the plastic play kitchen my parents regretfully purchased for my 4th birthday.

Despite the fact I never daydreamed about prince charming and my wedding day, I did have moments where I imagined being a mother. Although I stayed adamant that I was, "NEVER HAVING CHILDREN!" I would catch myself wondering if I would change my mind and what kind of mother I would be.

As I got older, I became more comfortable with the idea I might want to have children...someday. Throughout my time studying to be a teacher, it started to make sense that I would eventually want to have kids of my own. I spent years perfecting my teaching style and persona in the classroom and I was always curious if my actions and attitudes about children in a carrer setting would be reflective of my "mothering" style (if you will).

It always bothered me when I felt like school rules were pushing the limits. My kindergarten class was not allowed to play on the jungle gym, the administrators were afraid they would fall off the top and hurt themselves. I remembered myself as a child, always climbing to the highest slide I could find and throwing myself down it over and over again. It seemed like these rules were restricting our children from taking risks and learning about saftey and consequences. Hell, it seemed like we were stifiling some of their fun.

Over the last month, I've gone through something I never expected. Okay, I'll admit, this started back in September. Because as everyone is well aware, Davin was not on the top of my "to do" list. But as I progressed in my pregnancy, I never imagined I would get sick or I would have to face life threatening circumstances. I never imagined myself strong enough to sit in the hospital time and time again, constantly being stabbed with huge needles and being forced to pee on demand. I guess it never really crossed my mind that pregnancy would ever be a bad thing for me.

So now as I'm nearing the end of this extremely emotional journey, I'm wondering what kind of effect it will have on the way I treat my child. Somehow, I'm starting to think my laid back attitude in the classroom won't follow me home. The pain, tears, fear and love I have continued to feel on a daily basis for this child has pushed me to the limits. In all honesty, it's hard to imagine NOT feeling a tad overprotective after all we've been through already.

Do traumatic pregnancies, births and other situations cause mothers to be overprotective of their children? The psychology of it makes sense.

Good lord, I'm imagining leaving Davin in the care of someone I don't know and it's giving me hives. I guess only time can tell what kind of mother I will be, but I'm certain that this pregnancy has taught me more than any other event in my life.

Hospital Stay!

2008-03-07T11:26:00.000-08:00

It's like my second home now...

I'm just copying and pasting my post on the mommy board, since I'm kind of tired of telling everyone the same story.

**Well he's not here yet but it looks like my little guy will be making a grand entrance sometime in the next couple of weeks.

I went to see the perionatologist this morning for an Ultrasound (already 4 1/2 lbs!) and my blood pressure was crazy high. They admitted me to the the hospital and spent about 4 hours taking blood and monitoring me. I'm here overnight- then back home to bed rest tomorrow.

My doctor is predicting he will be here within the next week or two, we are hoping to keep him in until April 1st with blood pressure meds. Some extra positive thoughts and prayers our way would be greatly appreciated!**

That's generally what's going on at this point. I've had 4 sets of blood labs since I got here and a 24 hour urine analysis and so far everything has come back looking good. They started me on blood pressure medication last night and left me to sleep for 3 hour intervals (yeah, right).

Brian took both days off of work and I feel really fortunate that he's been able to be here with me. Being alone here would really suck.

My doctor will come visit me today at 2, to let me know what is going on and (cross my fingers) discharge me to bed rest.

I'm thinking positive that these meds will keep my blood pressure manageable for a few more weeks and we can avoid the stress of Davin going straight to the NICU. He has to make it to the first week in April for that to happen. My doctor, however, sounds pretty sure that we will be delivering in the next week or two at most.

Waiting...waiting....waiting.

Oh, the Irony.

2008-03-05T17:27:00.001-08:00

Apparently, I didn't pray hard enough.

Another visit to L&D. I went to see my doctor and my bp was up (140/100) so she sent me to the hospital. More laying, waiting, tests...

My blood work and protien came back normal, so they discharged me to the couch.

I have an appointment with the perionatologist tomorrow. Here's to hoping everything looks good.

This is like a terrible waiting game now. We sit and wait to see how long my body will handle this- and then when it doesn't they'll pull him out of me.

Is it Time Yet?

2008-03-05T07:39:00.000-08:00

I don't usually watch a lot of those baby shows on the Discovery Channel. Unlike a lot of the pregnant women I talk to, they just don't peak my interest very often.

Last night, there was a new series on Discovery Health called, "Deliver Me". It's just like all the other baby shows in that it portrays mothers giving birth and going through the pregnancy experience. I decided to watch it because there wasn't anything else on and I figured Brian could use a bit of a reality check on what labor is really like.

How ironic that one of the mothers being featured was hospitalized for Preeclampsia/Toxemia.

I think Brian finally realized how serious all of this is. The show explained some of the more dramatic side effects of the condition (stroke, seizures, organ failure) and it was easier to make these connections because she was just as far along as I am. After a short stay in the hospital, they delivered her baby via c-section at a little over 34 weeks.

After the show was over, we had to finally address the question, "what will we do if they put you in the hospital?" I realized Brian was probably feeling a little helpless and unprepared because I hadn't packed a hospital bag or given him some of the information he would need if that were to arise.

It's all real to me, I am very aware that what my body is doing right now is not good for me or the baby. I guess I've just assumed that everything will be okay, I'll spend another 4-6 weeks on the couch and then they'll get me into the hospital to deliver this boy. I knew about the risks and possible complications, but I hadn't really confronted them.

I have another OB appointment today and I'm looking forward to getting more information from her. Hopefully she was able to get my charts and look at them, to give me a better understanding of everything that's happened up until now.

In the meantime, I'm just praying that we avoid the hospital trip until it's really time.

Good Doctors

2008-03-04T09:56:00.000-08:00

Taken from my Cafemom Blog.

You DESERVE a Good Doctor!

March 4, 2008 at 12:53 PM by deelucas
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The title of my journal is something I couldn't come to grips with and to be quite honest, I couldn't completely wrap my head around.

A few months before I got pregnant a friend of mine and I went to go see the movie, "Knocked Up". There is a series of scenes in the movie where the main character is interviewing OB/GYN's and she goes through numerous appointments before she settles on one she feels comfortable with. To me, the whole entire thing seemed overboard. Who would spend that much time looking for a doctor? They're all virtually the same, right? Boy was I wrong.

In the end, the joke was on me because as I was walking out the theater door muttering, "man that movie was good birth control" I had no idea what was in store for me just a few short months later.

When I started looking for an OB/GYN I had very little criteria. I'm still young, so 75% of the doctors I've seen in my life have been chosen by my parents. The others, were referrals from either my parents or friends- and I had never personally chosen one for myself. I was personally more concerned about where they did their blood-work, because of my deathly fear of needles. And honestly, that is how I chose my first OB.

This pregnancy was textbook. I was keeping my weight gain to a minimum, eating healthy, exercising, and all of my appointments were short and routine. I had very little questions and my doctor seemed to like it that way. Everything looked good and I felt confident.

Until I hit 29 weeks. That's when everything started to unravel. My blood pressure was elevated, my doctor was pushing the panic button and I had no idea why. Every question I asked was met with an extremely vague answer. Every test came and went without so much as an explanation. I was left to go home after every appointment (4 in one week) and Google these conditions to get answers. The extreme cases I was reading about were scaring me half to death and all I could think about was my blood pressure shooting through the roof and my baby dying.

The final straw came when I went in to see her and she made me feel bad about gaining weight. I couldn't believe that after she had put me on bed rest, she was making me feel bad for gaining weight! There wasn't ANYTHING I could do to control that, of course I was going to gain some weight- I'm not MOVING. I was furious. Her response, "Oh well, we did put you on bed rest...didn't we?" as if she couldn't remember her own diagnosis was just insane. I immediately started looking for a new doctor.

The moment I walked into the office yesterday, I could tell it was a different feeling. It was small, quaint (not big and fancy like my last office) and relaxing. The receptionist was calling everyone by their first name (my last Dr. couldn't even remember my name) and the nurse offered me free prenatal vitamins. I spent 1/2 hr VENTING (I told myself I wouldn't do that, but it was hard) to the doctor about everything that had happened and she seemed sympathetic. She was appalled my doctor hadn't referred me to a perionatologist and hadn't taken ultrasounds to see how Davin was doing. She spent time going over what they were testing for at my appointments and explained to me how she would go about handling the rest of my pregnancy. I finally felt empowered and informed, for the first time in a month.

Needless to say, I immediately ordered my records and made another appointment to see her. I called and cancelled my appointment at my old office and it felt like I had a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders.

Bottom line is; If you don't feel like you are getting quality care or attention from a doctor...you deserve better. Yes, it's stressful to change doctors at almost 32 weeks- I won't deny that. But, I can't even imagine letting my old doctor deliver my son now. If you don't feel like your doctor is communicating with you, change. Period. It's worth it in the end.

(On a side note- I will be delivering Davin early. He should be here in about a month! I will update with the date as soon as we schedule it)

New Doctor Part #2

2008-03-04T07:48:00.001-08:00

The midwife never called me back and I'm sure it was because of my high risk situation. I know it would be pretty hard for any doctor to pick me up at this point, but thankfully the first one I met turned out to be amazing!

She was referred to me by a fellow Colorado Mom on Cafemom. I got a lot of responses when I asked for suggestions, but hers stuck out to me because of the way she worded her post. I called and made an appointment and went in to meet her yesterday.

For 30 minutes, she patiently listened to me vent about everything that had been going on with my doctor. Although she didn't discredit the treatment (bedrest, steriod shots, etc.) she did mention a few other things my doctor COULD be doing (biweekly ultrasounds, referral to a perinatologist, 24 hour tests, etc- all to make sure DAVIN is okay) to make sure that me and the baby are okay.

And aside from letting me know there are a lot of other preventative steps we could be taking to make sure this has a happy ending, she also took the time to explain to me exactly what is going on and what they're looking for when they test me.

I walked out of her office feeling more informed and relieved. Although I don't think any doctor will take me off bedrest OR let me go to my due date, I know that there are other doctors out there that won't act too busy to listen to me.

I'm so thankful I found someone I liked so quickly, because I really don't have the time to be looking. It is for sure Davin will be here sometime next month and I just want to give the little guy every chance possible.

On a side note- we had the friend bbq on Sunday. The weather sucked which kind of made things difficult, but we pulled it together pretty quickly. It was nice to see everyone since I really won't be able to anymore and we got some really thoughtful gifts. We have such great friends.

New Doctor

2008-02-28T16:16:00.001-08:00

I'm at the end of my rope...literally.

I think the events of the last 3 hours have proved that it's time for me to find a new doctor. Yes, I know I'm 5 weeks from full term and I know I'm considered, "high risk" but this is just ridiculous.

I went in to the doctor today and everything was normal. My blood pressure, SLIGHTLY elevated (130/80) was still within normal range. No protien. I had obviously gained some weight since I can't get up and DO ANYTHING.

My doctor came in, spent 2 minutes with me and gave me a hard time about gaining more than 1lb in a week. I wanted to murder her. I polietly said, "I assumed my weight gain was non-negotiable after you put me on strict bed rest. Not sure how I'm supposed to burn calories AT ALL- when I don't do anything." She gave me a vacant look, asked if I had any questions with her foot halfway out the door.

And they still forced me to do blood labs. Even though EVERYTHING is normal.

Then, I come home to find out that the "shots" they made me get last weekend (yeah the ones that caused me to miss Daniel Tosh) ended up costing us a 1400 dollar deductable. I think it's pretty bad bedside manner that you don't inform a patient that the services they are going to go get are not covered under an office visit.

So...I'm looking for a new doctor. I have a call in to a Midwife who sounds phenomenal. I just need someone who remembers my name and will give me a chance to feel like a human, not an insurance card.

Hopefully I can find someone who will take me this far along, after all these complications.

Week 31

2008-02-28T08:43:00.000-08:00

It's frustrating when the most you can do to help yourself feel healthy is eat a good breakfast. I miss being able to work out....or even take a walk. I feel like I'm literally turning into a big pile of mush on the couch and I'm afraid I won't have the energy or the strength for d-day.

My mom and dad came over last night and took me to dinner. I can't even begin to describe how nice it is to get out of the house, it's amazing. I felt human sitting in a booth at a resturant.

My mom brought me a ton of herbs to help regulate all the craziness that's going on in my body. Between the teas, the herbs and the acupuncture treatments I'm really positive that I will start feeling better and I'm hopeful my doctors see this too.

Another appoinment today, I'm so happy it was ONCE this week and not three times.

It looks like it's about time for nursing bras and all of that, which honestly kind of creeps me out (kinda like the first time you buy a bra when you're a kid, you know you have to but you wish you could prolong it). I know it's a natural thing, but everything that comes along with breastfeeding and your body preparing to be a mommy is foreign territory to me. It's time for me to get over it, however, cause my boobs feel like they're on fire.

I'm excited for this weekend; Laura is going to help me sew a cute cover for the carseat on Saturday- and I'm just dying to see friends on Sunday. I feel like it's been forever since I was able to be SOCIAL and I know this will be the last time in awhile that I'll see everyone.

Staying Occupied

2008-02-27T18:30:00.001-08:00

I've stayed occupied the last few days watching streaming movies off of the internet

http://watch-movies.net

has been my saving grace.

Honestly, I felt so awful yesterday I didn't want to move. I think I watched movies the entire day.

Today, I put together Davin's swing- a present from (my) auntie Shashy. It's a little jungle/safari print, absolutely adorable. After fighting with my spatial retardation (the pregnancy has caused spatial relationships in my brain to be so muddled I can't even put the feet on a swing) I got the whole thing assembled. It *is* the cutest ever.

I'm feeling better and thus finding more optimism. I go in for another appointment tomorrow and I'm just staying positive my vitals are down and Davin looks well. Every week is another 1/2 lb our baby boy has grown- a little more ready to be out in the world. Which is all I could ask for.

We will survive this :)

Today

2008-02-26T08:29:00.000-08:00

Is a sick day.

I'm giving myself an hour or two to rest with my feet up and drink water and hope that helps.

Otherwise, it's back to the doctor.

Family Babyshower

2008-02-25T09:53:00.001-08:00

It is amazing how many presents you recieve before you are even alive.

Yesterday was my family baby shower. So many more people than I expected showed up and it was all a little overwhelming for me at first. My parent's house was full of friends and family, I just wish I would have had more energy to be up and moving around to socialize with more people.

We were so blessed by the generousity of all our family & friends. I am looking back over my list of things we need now and it's dwindled down to some of the most inexpensive (and trival) things.

I'm staying positive because that's what we all need right now.

Humbled

2008-02-24T06:25:00.000-08:00

You never really understand how precious life is until it's hanging in the balance.

Although I know my own health is at stake here as well, the thoughts of my child are all-consuming.

For those of you who are showing your support, thank you. It's incredibly humbling to be so helpless. Every little gesture goes a long way right now and I could never express entirely how much each one means.

Hospitalized

2008-02-24T05:27:00.000-08:00

I'm so exhausted from this emotional rollercoaster...

Yesterday we went to L&D to get the other steroid shot my doctor had perscribed. They wanted to take my vitals which I thought would be no big deal...boy was I wrong. My bp had spiked again. Davin looked fine on the monitor but they kept me there to continue watching my bp and take other precautionary measures. More labs, more urine samples, more tests....Everything looked okay (my organ function and only small traces of protien) so they discharged me...after 4 1/2 hours.

Needless to say I had to forefit my tickets to see Daniel Tosh, I was fucking pissed. Well...pissed, sad, confused, scared, angry, lonely- that all about sums it up.

I don't really know what all of this means. Maybe I am worse off than I thought.

It's frustrating to feel so overwhelmed with so little guidance. The discharge papers the hospital sent me home with were MORE detailed about "bed rest" than my doctor has EVER been. The nurses on call answered more of my questions HONESTLY than anyone else at this point.

It's just a waiting game now. At this rate, I don't think my doctor is going to let me go past April 1st. Whether or not she can induce me at that time, is yet to be seen.

Pregnancy has been THE hardest thing I've ever done. I've seen myself mature in ways I never thought possible and I've felt love for this little man I never dreamed, but in the midst of it all I've felt like I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown.

I know, "all the work is worth it" I just wish this had all been a little easier on me. God knows my poor liver (among other parts of my body) wasn't ready to grow a kid...I'm sure I'm reaping the benifits now.

Just a little while longer now...I can't wait for this to be over.

Conservative Doctors...

2008-02-22T16:10:00.000-08:00

Make me want to tear my freakin' hair out.

I went in today and had the usual ob visit. No protein in my urine (one of the signs of preeclampsia), lost 1 1/2lbs (no sudden weight gain or swelling), and my blood pressure was back down to 120/80. I was hooked up to the NST for about 30 minutes and Davin was fine. Lots of kicking and a steady heartbeat the entire time.

And yet, there's still conceivably something wrong with me. I'm at a loss.

There's no room to consider my bp was elevated because I was just getting over being sick, no room to consider that something I ate could have made it go up...and no room to consider that being stuck in bed might just hurt the little guy even more.

I won't go against what my doctor tells me; I will continue to stay on "bed rest". But I'm not going to give up my life. Davin won't die if I go sit in a chair to watch a comedy show tomorrow night, nor will it cause my blood pressure to spike if I go sit on my mom's couch for the baby shower. I'm not going to cancel everything I have planned just because I had a 24 hour period that my blood pressure was ELEVATED.

Diet, a little exercise, lots of water, acupuncture and some extra rest is all I think is necessary to keep my bp down.

Honestly, my doctor makes me want to hurt people sometimes. Her answers to my questions are so extremely vague, it's like I need a secret decoder to understand what she means.

The one thing that I was positive about; she assured me she would do everything possible so that I can have a natural birth. As long as I continue to keep my BP down, she will let me go *PAST* my due date! I'm just happy there's no jumping the gun here and scheduling c-sections...I was so sad when I thought my chances of having a natural birth were reduced.

They sent me to the hospital to get steroid shots for Davin's lungs...that shot freakin' hurt. Another conservative measure in case things go wrong...he'll be well prepared for birth.

And thus continues the never ending saga...

For the Record...

2008-02-21T09:42:00.000-08:00

Learning how to give myself acupuncture was incredibly liberating.

I feel so accomplished being able to treat myself for the elevated bp.

I Hate Medicine!

2008-02-21T09:29:00.000-08:00

I wish there was just generally a better whole source of information out there.

It's impossible to know who's right and what's extreme. My mom and I both thought it was very extreme to put someone on bed rest after taking an elevated bp...that isn't common sense. Common sense tells you to eat a more consistent diet and get some exercise. That's what I would think anyways. There is so little information out there about Toxemia, that Doctors get up in arms and start trying to cover their own ass.

I know my body, I won't hesitate to call if my fingers look like sausages and I am seeing spots.

Here is the advice I got from a different doctor (god I wish I could find a doctor who has better advice like this..)

by ____on Feb. 20, 2008 at 11:46 PM

Elevated blood pressure is not a symptom of Pre-e/toxemia by itself. You have to have other symptoms in order to diagnose Pre-e. If your labs came back normal that means that your kidneys are functioning just fine.

Bed rest has been counter-indicated in most cases. This means that often times it leads to worse problems then it prevents. Complete bed rest leads to muscle atrophy and a higher chance of blood clots. It also doesn't leave you in great shape for labor.

Take it easy (as in VERY light duty), but do excersice for at least 15 to 30 minutes every day. You want to get your heart rate up a bit and break a light sweat. The best excercise is walking, swimming is another great option. Follow the Brewer diet, you can find the guideline at www.blueribbonbaby.org. It's good for controlling high BP and Pre-e but it's a diet that all pregnant women should follow anyway. And of course drink riduculous amounts of water-at least 10 cups a day.

Thankfully, the diet is what I've been following since I got pregnant. Sure I sneak in something sweet once in awhile, but it's a very OCCASIONAL thing. It's amazing to me how my COMMON SENSE (light exercise and a good diet) seemed so blatant here. Last week it was impossible for me to eat balanced meals, I had the flu. Over the weekend, I didn't always eat like I should have. We ate out twice and although I wasn't scarfing down huge bowls of pasta and salt, it's just normal to not be able to eat as well in a resturant. I got VERY LITTLE exercise all week last week because I was ill. I think all of these things play a part in my symptoms.

Honestly, I don't understand why Doctors can't take the time to explain the whole picture. Tell me what you're testing for, explain to me what I need to watch out for and for gods sakes...don't send me home on bed rest without giving me an explanation!

Needless to say, the next time Brian tricks me into having another kid...I won't be using this doctor.

Upbeat

2008-02-20T11:39:00.000-08:00

As depressing as being dependent on other people and having very little freedom is...I'm finding some wonderful support from others.

I had another mom give me a great pep talk about how self sacraficing it is for a mother to listen to the Doctor and follow directions. It's one more thing I can do to give Davin a good start and make sure that he stays in there as long as possible.

She mentioned a friend that didn't listen to the Doctor about bedrest and lost her baby and I just can't imagine the guilt she felt afterwards. It never dawned on me to do anything other than exactly what the doctor told me...I would never be able to live with myself if something happened and I hadn't taken care of myself.

Terrible Nurses

2008-02-20T09:35:00.001-08:00

Some good news....although I have to take it in stride because my Doctor/Nurses are idiots.

They just called to let me know that my labs yesterday all came back normal. Unfortunately, she was on her way to hanging up the phone before I could ask her any questions. Back to the internet I go, because the only person who has ever answered questions at that office for me are nurses that work for the other doctors.

So now, from what I understand, my labs don't completely rule out Toxemia. But, it's a good start for me...it shows them that my high blood pressure might just be a result of not feeling well or other such circumstances.

I have to stay on strict bed rest until they can check on Davin Friday. Another non-stress test to make sure his heart is working well and an ultrasound to make sure he's growing well and has plenty of fluid.

I'm praying that they change this to modified bed rest, so that I can still do some of the things I want to do before delievery.....like finish the nursery and make food to freeze.

I already put my foot down about some of the things that are important to me, like the baby showers and stuff. I refuse to cancel those!

Some Clarification

2008-02-19T09:43:00.001-08:00

A friend of mine commented on my entry yesterday and I realized the few people who read this blog probably have no idea what I am talking about when I post about different pregnancy related conditions.

Gestational Diabetes is diabetes that forms as a result of pregnancy. A mother really has little control over this and a variety of different things can cause it. Anyone who is already at risk for diabetes has a slightly higher risk for GD; but any mother can develop it. If the placenta is causing the mother to stop producing insulin then their tolerance to sugar obvioulsy decreases. I was concerned about developing this because my family on my father's side are diabetics, it's a widespread condition in Mexicans. My labs came out fine, I did not develop GD.

Toxemia (preeclampsia or pregnancy induced hypertension) is when the blood vessels constrict causing less blood flow and ultimately reduces the amount of blood and nutrients the baby is recieving. My symptoms; sudden onset of high blood pressure (no history of high bp and no high bp until 29 weeks) slight swelling in my feet and hands and headaches. There really is no research that suggests anyone is at higher risk for this.

Needless to say, my appointment didn't go well today. My bp was elevated all 4 times they took it (sitting and resting). My doctor ordered more labs (another 6 huge vials of blood, holy hell) and strict bedrest until they can test me again on Friday. On Friday I will have another non-stress and possibly another ultrasound. After all of that, she'll determine whether I need to stay on strict bedrest the rest of the pregnancy and if I need to schedule a c-section. If they do schedule a c-section, he'll most likely be coming around the first week of April.

Baby Shower Nightmare

2008-02-19T07:30:00.001-08:00

My motive behind throwing the baby showers I planned was not gifts. Although they make our life easier, they were the last reason I wanted to celebrate with family & friends.

This pregnancy has been pretty lonely for me. I had an incredibly social life; going out nearly every weekend with friends and constantly having something to do. Since I got pregnant however, I have seen my friends very little and spent most of my time at home. A baby shower was one of the ways I could spend some time with my family & peers before Davin comes and I think I needed a little affirmation that I still have people that care.

We had planned a family baby shower with my mother over a month ago to give everyone enough time to plan accordingly. Brian's mom and my aunt's have demanding work schedules and I wanted to make sure everyone had the opportunity to show up. When we planned the baby shower, we even called Brian's mom beforehand to confirm that she could come that day- and made sure she knew we would be willing to change the date if necessary to accommodate her.

We thought everything was good. My family had all committed to being there and Brian's aunt led us to believe his family would be there as well.

Last night when Brian called his mom, she told him that she wouldn't be coming (and probably none of his family would come either). I was terribly upset but I didn't want to show it, because I could just see on Brian's face how angry and hurt he was. His mom has met my family on several occasions and our families came together to celebrate our engagement a few years ago. It's not like this would be the first uncomfortable meeting. There was really no excuse for it, except she lives in Pueblo and didn't want to spend the day she had off (that she requested for the shower) driving down to Denver and back.

Brian has complained to me before that he feels like my family is much more involved in our life (and the pregnancy) than his. I believe it's easier for them to be involved because I am naturally closer with my family and they are closer in distance as well. I have made every attempt I can think of to include his family in our pregnancy, I even created a website that his family could look at to see photos and updates on how things are progressing. I guess after all of the attempts that I've made, I feel as if they don't appreciate it....or maybe I'm being stupid.

They said they want to have a "shower" for us with his family when his father and grandmother come out here after Davin is born. That's a sweet gesture, but after the baby is born there isn't much we're really going to need. I'm far too prepared to not purchase the things on my registry that
we don't receive. I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth, I guess I'm just trying to point out some of the reasons I'm upset over this.

I'll get over it, the situations just sucks. I feel terrible for Brian, I know he feels abandoned right now.

I went to a friend's shower a few months ago and none of her girlfriends took the time to show up. There had been a party the night before and everyone was too hungover to be there. It made me really sad for her. Now I'm worried the same thing will happen to me in a few weeks....*sigh* I guess all that matters right now is Davin's health and well being. Friends and family can get put on the back burner.

Non-Stress Test

2008-02-18T13:48:00.000-08:00

After talking with a nurse, I had to go in this morning for a non-stress test.

It's bittersweet when they hook you up to a monitor and you hear your little guy is just fine. On one hand, you're incredibly relieved that everything is okay. On the other hand, you feel like a douche bag for possibly wasting their time. Davin was kicking and his heartbeat was steady, which was definitely what I needed to hear.

Unfortunately, I am showing some signs of pre-eclampsia. My blood pressure was elevated both times they checked it and my hands and feet are a little swollen. Some of what I was feeling last week (from what I thought was the virus) could have very well been a symptom of the condition and I had no idea. I have to go back in tomorrow for a routine OB to make sure my bp has gone down. If it doesn't, I'll be on bed rest until they can pull him via c-section in about 6 weeks- or hospitalized if it's severe.

I'm worried, but I was worried about Gestational Diabetes too. (I confirmed with the Physicians Assistant today that my 3hour test came back fine).

Movement

2008-02-18T07:45:00.001-08:00

I dunno what it is about Monday morning but I always wake up feeling like shit.

I have a call in to the doctor right now, it's kind of sad sometimes about how the urgency of pregnancy related questions get overlooked. I'm glad it's not a medical emergency, or I would be pretty damn upset that it's already been over 20 minutes and she hasn't called me back.

Davin's been very inactive since Saturday. He's still moving, but almost all of his movements have to be coaxed. I'll get a kick (one) if I put a soda on my stomach or if Brian gets down and talks to my tummy...but it feels like he has no active/sleeping times any longer. The other unnerving thing, is all of the kicks are far too low. I know he's still breech, but any kick I do feel is way down low like in the beginning of the second trimester.

I'm sure it's nothing to worry about, but I wanted to hear it from the nurse. I probably should have just waited till my appointment tomorrow.

I'm sure my eating habits over the last couple of days have finally caught up to me and dragged me down again, it feels like I'm right back to where I was last weekend minus the stomachache. Honestly, it's gotten to the point I feel like I rest up the entire week to have two days of energy that I can spend with Brian.

Positive

2008-02-17T10:44:00.000-08:00

We had a really long day yesterday...

Brian insisted on getting out of bed at 7:30am which was definitely the first mistake. He is a lot like I am in the sense that if I know I need to get something done before I certain time, I get excited to get it over with and move on. We had to move all the furniture off of the carpets before 10:30 so that the carpet cleaner could do a decent job.

Needless to say he had everything moved by 8:30 at the latest and made it difficult for me to get around the house the rest of the morning.

I got my hair cut, a lot shorter than I had intended to but it looks cute. And I'm staying positive that it will be worth it while I'm in the hospital.

My parents took us out to dinner and I started to notice more and more how important family is to me right now. There are very few people I feel close with anymore and my parents have really stepped up to make sure that we feel supported and loved. It's amazing how when you get your head out of your ass, you really realize what's important.

I had an amazing conversation with someone I've always considered to be at the top of my list when it comes to logical insight and sheer brilliance on a variety of topics. Many of our conversations in the past have felt "real" (lots of wonderful "connections") but I came to realize last night that I can't remember half of them because they all came about when I had been intoxicated. I won't ever forget the conversation I had with him last night. I felt so encouraged for his choice at sobriety, because he struggled with alcoholism for so long- in the face of so many friends that refused to see it. It made me so happy to see other people making that positive step in their life and learning to be at peace with reality. I really can't wait to introduce him to my son, because his insight (not his actions, persay) has been a great model to me over the years.

We stopped by a birthday party and by that time, I was exhausted.

The carpets in our house look amazing, it's so nice to have such a clean house.

I think Brian's taking me to the Melting Pot for a late vday dinner tonight and that will be the end to a pretty wonderful weekend.

Holy Shit!

2008-02-14T13:55:00.001-08:00

I just realized Davin is going to grow about 1lb every 2 weeks for the next 6 weeks.

That is insane considering it took him over 5 months to get to a pound.

Nursery &Coming home outfits

2008-02-14T08:31:00.000-08:00

Photo blog! I hate uploading photos onto this blogger, it's such a pain in the ass. But...I've been getting a lot of requests for photos of the nursery so far and the outfit we bought to bring Davin home in.

The wooden letters I painted to go on the front door of the nursery.

His crib set. Although it wasn't exactly what I thought it would look like, I'm really starting to like it. Just praying that we don't have a surprise girl at the end!

The changing table we got for a steal (craigslist). Matches pretty well with the crib (my crib from when I was a baby)

The outfit we picked out for him to come home in. Ok, I picked it out...I'm sure Brian would have picked out something a lot more boyish- but it really is for a boy!

Yuck

2008-02-13T09:22:00.000-08:00

Well...I thought I was in labor last night.

Not really, but I was ready to go to the ER. After eating very little yesterday (eggs and toast), Brian was really pushy when he got home and wanted me to eat some soup. I finally caved and let him warm me up some italian style wedding soup- it's fairly plain. Noodles, chicken broth, carrots and meatballs. By 10 o clock I felt like my stomach was going to burst open. I was in so much pain. I went and laid in the bathtub (what they tell you to do if you're having contractions) and it didn't help. I took a Tylenol PM, and it didn't knock me out. I finally fell asleep on the couch at Midnight.

I figured I'd be okay to eat some oatmeal this morning, boy was I wrong. Every time I eat something it feels like what I just ate is covering my insides and squeezing. Yes, it hurts that bad.

Brian's vday surprises might get a little cheated, because I just don't have the energy to finish them. We'll see what I can get done today, but if my tummy doesn't quit I'm gonna knock myself out again and sleep this off.

How the hell can you nourish a child when it hurts?

2008-02-12T14:19:00.001-08:00

This is the weirdest illness in the history of forever.

Honestly, the more you sleep the worse you feel. What the hell is up with that?

Sneaky Virus

2008-02-12T09:11:00.000-08:00

So apparently the virus that's been going around lately likes to attack in small doses. It hits you hard one day and you rest so you feel better, but the day you feel better you start going about your life and it hits you again. I went about my daily stuff yesterday, I didn't feel like I overdid myself by any means. I took care of chores around the house, exercised and just generally did my normal thing. I slept like a ton of bricks last night and this morning I woke up feeling like death. A bowl of cereal went down and felt like it was going to come right back up.

I got a lecture from my mom about how I need to slow it down now. Being so far along means I need to stay off my feet more and worry less about what needs to get done. Easier said, trust me. Days like today, I have no problem laying in bed and sleeping for another six hours, my body is begging for it. But I know tomorrow I'll start feeling better and immediately want to get back to life, which is apparently now supposed to be taken in small doses.

I just sat and had a very intense conversation with Brian and my hands on the keyboard felt a million miles away. It's that cloudy/foggy head feeling when you're not feeling well that brought on so much disconnection, how strange.

Rockin' Out

2008-02-11T08:34:00.000-08:00

I hate being sick...I'm glad it leveled off a little today.

This weekend was really uneventful. On Saturday we went to Babies R Us to make sure that we hadn't forgotten anything on the registry. That store is way too big and totally overwhelming. I don't think babies actually need half of the shit that they sell. We did find an outfit to bring Davin home in, it's probably a little gay but I couldn't help it. It's a light blue one piece sleeper that looks knitted, it has a star on the chest and a star on the butt- and a matching hat that has a star on it. I know, I'm a freak. I'll post a photo of it when I have a chance.

We went out to lunch and I came home and took a nap.

Saturday night my stomach started feeling strange and Brian knew I wasn't joking when all I had for dinner was soup. Sunday I woke up with a mid-grade fever and no appetite. I slept until noon and then spent the rest of the day on the couch, trying to take naps. For some ungodly reason, Davin decided Sunday was the best time to have a mosh pit session. He took no breaks from rocking out and I had to surrender to the idea I wasn't going to get much of a nap in. I finally ate eggs and toast last night and started getting my appetite back and the little guy decided to give me a break.

I still feel really run down this morning, but not deathly ill. Whatever I caught didn't get me too bad, but I still felt terrible at the time.

Thankfully I have another acupuncture appointment tomorrow, which should help me get back to feeling 75% (yes, I now function at a sub-par level).

We did get the nursery in order. I have some more decorating to do and a little bit of shopping (yay, taxes!) but it looks good. I'll post pics of that too, soon.

Accomplished

2008-02-08T12:06:00.000-08:00

I feel so damn accomplished after the 3 hour glucose test.

Not eating for 14 hours, having to drink that stupid concentrated sugar, and getting my blood drawn FOUR times is a huge accomplishment for me. I had my blood drawn more today than I have in my entire life. Thanks to my wonderful reactions (b/p drops & spasms) in the past, I'm proud to say I made it through each stick today anxiety free. I'm amazed.

I'm really not that concerned about coming up with Gestational Diabetes. I am sure it takes longer for me to process sugars, but I know that I do. After the test I was still quite functional and could have done fine driving myself home. Thankfully, my mom came and hung out with me for the test. It was nice to have someone to talk to, it made the time pass much quicker.

But I am exhausted now. Eating for the first time after a fourteen hour fast really drags you down.

I'm just so glad it's over.

2008-02-07T09:40:00.000-08:00

I knew I wouldn't pass that stupid fucking test.

I was 139/130. Honestly. With it being only slightly elevated you think they'd give me a break.

I knew because I'm deathly afraid of needles, I was going to have to go sit and get my blood drawn for 3 hours.

Damnit.

Preggo Brain Strike #10004

2008-02-06T16:28:00.002-08:00

Now my neighbor officially thinks I'm insane...

I left the milk sitting on the ground on the outside of the garage this afternoon. Oh I thought I was over this damn preggo brain!

3rd Trimester Woes

2008-02-05T08:08:00.000-08:00

It may have been the impending weather, my mood, or my lack of sleep lately...but I've really lost the motivation to do much of anything anymore. I guess now facing the last few months of development (the time when they pack on the weight) I'm losing energy and the will to do much more than move between the couch and my bed.

I still force myself to exercise, but after 20 minutes of cardio yesterday I started getting contractions. How the hell am I supposed to maintain my weight if I start having contractions every time I exercise? Frustration.

This is the, "really not fun" stage of pregnancy. I would classify my pregnancy into three stages; sick and upset, nervous and uncomfortable and anxious and really uncomfortable. Whereas I was always told it was more like; sick and excited, nervous and energetic, uncomfortable and really excited (in trimesters).

I think I was vomiting through my "excitement" and waddling through my "energetic" phases.

On top of everything else, I got jipped out of an acupuncture appointment today because of the weather. I'd rather Brian be safe getting to and from work than be selfish about getting acupuncture. Plus, I didn't fall asleep till 1am last night and I woke up twice to go to the bathroom before 5am. So I don't think I'd be a whole lot of fun to hang out with today anyways.

I'm still anxiously awaiting a phone call from my doctor about my results from last week. They said it would take *about* a week and I just keep thinking that it should be a priority! I got to the point I wanted to quit waiting for the call so I put my phone on silent and forced myself to quit thinking about it. When they call, they'll leave a voicemail.

I'm going to go back to bed and sleep. Then I'll probably get up, exercise, eat some lunch and sleep some more. I can think of a handful of people that would hear that and be jealous, but I'd rather be in a shitty office somewhere right about now.....well, maybe not.

It's Amazing

2008-02-03T20:51:00.000-08:00

How much we love our children before they're even here.

I am struggling right now to not feel like a bad mother and I'm not technically a mother yet.

You just never know love until you lay your hand on your own belly.

Crap

2008-02-02T08:09:00.000-08:00

I feel like complete crap today.

I can't tell if it's hormones, an under baked hot roll at Hapa's, the chocolate I had before bed, or the fact Brian didn't get home till 3am. Nonetheless, my back hurts like I've got PMS with a vengeance (you know, you'd think this is the one time in my life I could escape from those symptoms) and my stomach is uber queasy.

I am in one of those moods where you just want to lay around and feel sorry for yourself.

I debated on whether or not to get upset at Brian, I was pretty upset last night when I still hadn't heard from him at 11pm. This random message board whore said I shouldn't, that guys deserve a break once in awhile. Granted, I just wish he'd be more clear instead of saying, "I'm planning on being home around 9 or 10pm" and then not hearing a word.

I'm in my third trimester- although not something I'm anticipating, there's a chance I could go into labor or false labor now. Something about being out all night 30 miles away from your wife who is 7 months pregnant just doesn't scream responsibility to me.

I'll get over it. I have too much to do today to dwell on his crappy choices.

I'm HUGE!

2008-02-01T14:25:00.000-08:00

A fellow CM board member asked me to post a photo of my tummy this week and after I posted it I realized how BIG I am! I knew there was a reason I had trouble shaving my legs yesterday...it looks like my child is STANDING UP! This rapid increase of stomach mass better slow down quickly or else I'm going to be far too top heavy to stand up. I'm only 5'2", I won't make it!

I'm totally excited, I found the stroller I had originally registered for (Graco Tour Deluxe) at Target marked down from 140$ to 60$. My mom promptly demanded that I go back and buy it (she was supposed to be purchasing the stroller for us) since it's such a good deal. We're getting a used infant graco seat, so we're crossing our fingers it fits in the stroller (not really a big deal if it doesn't)

With only 2 1/2-3months (tops!) left, I can't believe it's all starting to "happen" now. Planning baby showers, finishing the nursery, writing the birth plan, thinking about packing a hospital bag....this is way too real now!

Pregnancy Story

2008-01-31T19:16:00.000-08:00

On my DA

Not much like my last piece of prose, but still an enjoyable read I think.

Hopefully these bouts of non-fiction will help me get back into some poetry.

Week #28

2008-01-29T08:35:00.000-08:00

Finally that damn test is over.

I hate blood work, but blood work that I can't eat 12 hours beforehand is hell. Davin was not a happy camper at 7am this morning when I still hadn't eaten anything and then I proceeded to drink a bottle of concentrated sugar.

Now I just wait for them to call me in a week and tell me my levels were normal. I'm praying.

Other than that, everything was fine. Baby is good, his heart rate was 156 (as usual). I'm measuring fine, my weight gain is normal and my b/p is fine. So...here's to things continuing to stay uneventful.

I'm so exhausted now. After the terrible sleep we got last night, the messed up eating schedule and sitting in the office with anxiety- I'm totally spent.

I have an acupuncture appointment in a few hours...hopefully I can make it with a nap.

3rd Trimester

2008-01-28T09:16:00.000-08:00

For as much as I complain...I'm damn proud I've made it this far.

Just a few more months and I can have this little guy out of me.

Sugar-Free

2008-01-27T13:30:00.001-08:00

It feels impossible to stick to a sugar free diet when your husband is eating a giant sized candy bar right in front of you.

Granted, I've stuck to it. But after having to say no to an oreo cookie ice cream cake, chocolate caramel popcorn, skittles, an over sized Hershey's bar and even a fucking glass of fruit juice....I just can't wait for this to be over.

This definitely wouldn't be so hard if I wasn't pregnant.

Battles

2008-01-25T16:23:00.000-08:00

I don't care if he gets pissy at me, I'm going to put my foot down when I fucking feel like it.

I'm not a controlling wife; I don't keep him from going out (if he ever wanted to that is), I don't try to keep him from playing video games (just beg him to spend SOME time with me) and the ONLY thing I've asked from him is to learn self control with his drinking.

He's done well, but he's not out of the woods. I don't think he'll ever be. Alcoholism is a disease, not a dirty pair of pants you can take off and wash- and forget about.

I will break the cycle. Davin will not grow up seeing what I saw and unfortunately, as sad as this will be for me, that will mean spending a very limited amount of time with his Great Grandfather and other family members I have that are still struggling.

The moment I ever suspect Brian not controlling his drinking with Davin, I will be gone. Period. There are no two ways about this. I'd rather be a single mom than see my child struggle with all of the painful questions I struggled with for so long.

I love my husband, I really do. Marrying him was neither a decision I made hastily, nor was it an easy decision by any means. Honestly, we both had to have a lot of love for each other to make it through the hell we created. I've stood by him and fought for what we had because I truly believed he could get better and that his self-control would create an atmosphere in which we could rebuild our relationship. I was correct in my assumption, but I was also aware this is a battle we will fight for the rest of our lives together.

As much as he makes me feel like I just kicked a puppy sometimes, I refuse to feel guilty any longer. I am doing the best I know how so that we can be a family and I will not ever feel bad about that.

Death Night #2

2008-01-25T09:24:00.000-08:00

So, we're on night #2 of the hell that is pregnancy sleep.

Honestly, it's going to be all downhill from here. I will be full term (36weeks) in 9 weeks and in that time, Davin has to grow another 4-6lbs. This means; more waking up to pee in the middle of the night, less of being able to sleep through his nightly parties and the fun times that are braxton hicks contractions. I'm not expecting to get much sleep, but then again- I can take a nap during the day. Poor Brian might have to start sleeping on the couch.

Last night I had to pee at 4am (as usual) and I went to go get a piece of toast, because it felt like Davin was gnawing on the outside of my stomach. I sat at the computer and ate my toast, drank a glass of water and then went back upstairs to lay down. What I didn't know, was my stupid cat was sitting on the other side of the door getting ready to get smushed when I closed it. He screamed so hard Brian woke up in a fit. In retrospect it was kind of funny...

Let's see....after another crazy cleaning session yesterday, where I organized our entire walk in closet and every drawer imaginable in our bedroom, I am finding a hard time wanting to do much of anything today. I'm leaning towards finishing the laundry, doing some yoga and taking a nap.

I have my GD test on Tuesday, which I am definitely not looking forward to- but I've been prepping for since LAST Tuesday. Not that my diet has been totally off track, I've done really well since I found out I was pregnant (note: found out, not "since I GOT pregnant"). But, I did cut out the fruit and fruit juice until after the test, just to make sure I didn't get any false readings. We've had lots of complex carbs and protein for dinner, and I've made sure to get the snacks during the day in that I've been forgetting. Overall, I'm staying positive that the changes I've made since day #1 and cutting out nearly all sugar since last week will keep me away from this nasty GD monster.

On a side note- it's not really the diet I'm afraid of (if I were to have it), it's the 3 hour test. I really can't stand needles as it is, and getting my blood drawn three times in 3 hours just doesn't sound like something I'd be able to stomach.

Another weekend, I can't believe January is almost over.

Officially

2008-01-24T07:48:00.000-08:00

The worst night of sleep, ever.

When you hear about pregnancy, you always assume the terrible sleep comes later. I would always hear women complain about the end when the baby is so big you can never get comfortable.

I guess I never realized I would sleep like crap from day #1.

After being knocked completely onto the floor last night, I was nearly in tears. I would gladly exchange one hour of peaceful, sleep in whatever position I like, relatively free of back pain with a baby boy to have to wake up to- than the sleep hell that is pregnancy.

I just keep telling myself, it's almost over.

I get it now.

2008-01-21T08:18:00.000-08:00

Nearly a week out from my third trimester, I'm afraid I'm starting to understand the plight of feeling large and uncomfortable ALL of the time.

We had a good weekend. On Friday we laid low, ordered dinner and watched some movies. Saturday, we went out to dinner with friends we haven't seen in awhile. Afterwards, we went and saw the movie, 'Cloverfield'. Decent flick, had it's moments.

Sunday, we got the tour of our hospital. I was really impressed by the tour. It's incredibly homey. All of the rooms are well equipped for whatever you need; dvd players, cd players, high speed internet, phones, beds, etc. Overall it looked like a pretty nice place to labor. I was a little disappointed that they don't have labor tubs. I was also a little disappointed that they make you change rooms after birth. Overall, I have to say it looked nice enough for me to just stick with it.

We had a huge Thanksgiving style dinner last night with a bunch of friends, it was fun. The food was amazing, having that kind of a dinner more than once a year kicks ass.

After the evening was over, however, I was throughly exhausted. My back hurt from sitting on the floor playing Trivial Pursuit and I was in pain from some more Braxton Hicks. I really am starting to understand how my level of being "uncomfortable" a few months ago, really had no weight on how I'm feeling now.

2008-01-18T12:06:00.000-08:00

So I ended up getting my first round of really noticable Braxton-Hicks last night. I was told it wasn't supposed to be painful and it wasn't PAINFUL persay, but bordering on uncomfortable and painful.

I woke up this morning with a really sore lower back and abdomen.

Everyone told me not to worry but something just didn't seem right.

I haven't done a whole lot to be productive over the last few days. It's making me feel like I don't do enough. Naps and exercise shouldn't be the only things I'm concerned about during the day, but it seems to me that they're the only things I can really get accomplished.

I get sucked into talking to friends on the computer, posting on boards and blogging. Oh, and "window shopping" via the interent for Davin.

My mom wanted me to wait to have the family babyshower until a week before my Dr. is considering me full term (first week in April). I told her she's out of her mind if she thinks I'm going to be out shopping when I'm full term. I'm already tired and uncomfortable.

I've been having these personal dilemas with money. I know that we're doing fine and we'll be more than find on one income. I have to buy a new phone in a week or so, and I've wrestled with whether or not to get a cheap and economical phone or something fun. It's hard to think of spending money on yourself for "fun" when you really want to save up as much as possible for the little guy.

I'm thinking I should probably just go with something economical. It's just a phone.

Slow

2008-01-17T10:28:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine had her baby on NYE and just started updating with photos and such. Her status on facebook was something to the effect of, "running around trying to do a million things at once."

Honestly, with all this time I have on my hands, I wish Davin would hurry up and cook a little faster. I know in a few months when I am finding the time to actually post on this blog, I'll be wishing for a little of the peace and quiet I was so quick to give up....but the waiting really sucks.

It seems like time is going far too slow right now.

I've been doing as much as I can to keep myself occupied. For some reason, the minute I log onto Warcraft (you would think this would be a decent distraction) I get bored and want to move onto something else. I always thought that would be the best way to occupy my time when I got knocked up, but at this point it's really the last thing I'm interested in.

I started a baby blanket for a girl on the message boards I post on. We're doing a group baby shower, and she talked about making a blanket for Davin- so I figured I would try my hand at crocheting again. I haven't finished a piece in over 12 years.

Davin is acting crazy today, it feels like he's dancing. Although he's getting big enough that it's almost slightly annoying now, it's still comforting to know he's in there and he's okay.

One more week until my 3rd trimester, that just sounds like I'm almost finished.

Getting Closer

2008-01-15T10:39:00.000-08:00

I'm dissapointed. I had an acupuncture appointment with my mom today, but she hasn't been feeling well and had to cancel all of her clients.

I haven't been feeling well either (weather change, still not sleeping great -thanks Davin!- and eating some not fully cooked foods) so I was looking forward to getting some relief.

Oh well.

I'm resorting to fruit/veggie smoothies, tylenol and the couch.

I'm still a week out from my 3rd trimester and I'm already anxious for this to be over. I just want my body back again and the ability to take some migraine meds when I need them!

The sacrafices we make for our children...

Rave

2008-01-14T12:17:00.000-08:00

Brian finally left his hand on my stomach long enough yesterday to feel Davin having his daily rave.

I loved his reaction...

"Woah. What the fuck was that? Are you hungry?"

I found it!

2008-01-11T12:20:00.000-08:00

I found my energy AND my motivation today. I'm sure it had something to do with the fact I spent time cooking myself a good breakfast and paired it with a slightly-caffinaited drink (tea) but STILL, it feels good to actually want to get out of the house and accomplish something.

I'm trying to tackle the task of getting our house in better order. I did this once about 2 months ago, and got a lot done. Unfortunately, now it needs to be done again. I need to clear out enough room in Davin's closet to make it useable for his stuff as well as storage.

I did find some cute baskets at Michaels for his changing table and I bought some wooden wall things in the shape of stars that I can paint to go with his crib set. YES, I'm ACTUALLY decorating. I know it's a crazy notion for me. I can't believe I'm actually starting to get INTO this! Maybe cause I have 3 or so months left I am starting to find the motivation.

The crib set does look cute. I was a little dissapointed with the colors- because it wouldn't ever be reusable for a girl. So, I gotta hope we either have another boy someday or I just sell the set eventually. I'm defenitely getting used to it though.

With so much energy- I probably should have gotten my ass down to the DMV, but I really want to get some of this house worked on. I don't need a lot of energy to sit on my ass and wait for them to call a number, I guess.

Time to eat some lunch and put this motivation to good use...!

Montel Williams Rocks

2008-01-10T11:59:00.000-08:00

I'm really not sure why I thought it was a good idea to watch the Star Jones show yesterday, I got hooked when they were debating whether or not to let girls in Denver have "maternity leave" from school.

I couldn't bear to change the channel when she was going off about how teens in Denver need more sex education and pushes toward abstinence. Honestly, Denver isn't the only city that's full of prostitots.

Anyways, after all that nonsense she had Montel Williams on her show talking about his new book. He gave out a recipe for a smoothie that gives you 100% of your fruits & veggies in one shot. Basically a couple different fruits and a couple handfuls of spinach and some ice. I made mine with a banana, an apple, orange juice (you really need a liquid to make it come out right), ice and two big handfuls of spinach. Sounds gross, looks gross, tastes great.

So, thanks Montel. I'm glad there's a talk show host that's got more on his mind than baby daddy tests and weird incestuous love triangles.

***

The UPS guy lied about dropping off the package last night. The tracking updated and it said he tried to deliver at 6:15 but no one was home. We knew this was a lie, because I was here waiting for him and he left no sticky note on the door (like they're supposed to). Jerks. Brian called and bitched them out, so I'm waiting for them to show up here any minute...*sigh*

I know your life has to be kind of pathetic when you're waiting around for bedding, but it's all I got!

Hey, UPS guy!

2008-01-09T16:36:00.000-08:00

The tracking on my damn package said you'd be here today. It's 5:30 and you're still not here.

I'm 6 months pregnant and my only "job" is to keep the house clean and take care of myself- so the prospect of getting a package from you that might consume some of my down time was really exciting.

I spent the whole day at home, because I was afraid you would show up and I would have to sign for it.

Seriously dude, my package left your warehouse at 3:30 am. What have you been doing in Englewood? Smoking crack and picking up hookers outside of Kitties?

I can't believe I've waited all day for your sorry ass.

I hate you, UPS guy.

Morning Routines...

2008-01-09T09:18:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here contemplating how to spend my day. I know every other mom out there is thinking, "enjoy it while you can because when the baby comes, your days won't be yours anymore". I know this, thankfully I'm pretty damn prepared to raise a child.

I made it to about 40 minutes of yoga this morning. I still can't get the floor poses right and now that I'm nearing on my 3rd trimester, I should be modifying them. But hey, at least I'm trying.

I spent the evening baking healthy banana muffins and breakfast bars for snacks last night. Funny thing was, I think I had some strange emotional attachment to them. My dream last night (one of a few) involved friends coming over to our house for dinner and eating all of what I baked. I proceeded to throw a huge preggo hormone-fueled fit about how I didn't have any healthy breakfast foods anymore and how they were all a bunch of douche bags for eating my muffins. I'm still kind of shocked I had an entire dream about these stupid muffins.

Not related to anything, that made me think of http://www.muffinfilms.com/

I've been putting off going down to the DMV and getting a new license with Lucas on it and I'm starting to think I'm just going to have to force myself to do it or I'll still be driving under Mata for the next 2 years. I hate the idea of going down there by myself and sitting around, but I guess I just need to grab a book and suck it up.

I hate that scale!

2008-01-08T17:53:00.000-08:00

The scale at the OB's office and I have a love hate relationship.

I loved it when I had only gained a few lbs my first 20 weeks, I hated it today when I gained a lot more than I expected to over the last 4 1/2 weeks.

My doc assured me everything still looks fine and I'm still under the norm weight gain, but seeing the number go up that much almost gave me a heart attack.

It's back to fruit-juice sweetened wheat muffins and homemade crasin breakfast bars for me. I won't be gaining that much weight again!

***

I'm super excited to get Davin's crib set in the mail tomorrow. I can't wait to start setting it up and decorating.

Yeah...I'm finally shifting into, "No you're not a parasite anymore and yes I love you" mode. It's kind of impossible when you complain about getting booted in the bladder half the time- but the other half you're concerned when you're NOT getting kicked.

What a strange relationship we form with our children before they're even here.

2008-01-07T08:50:00.000-08:00

blucas tch4less (9:33:55 AM): I know, its my fault and should have communicated it better

***

Why do men have to be so simple and logical about it. That's not the way I understand how to end an argument. Simply saying, "I'm sorry, it was my fault. I'll do better next time" leaves me with nothing else to say.

What am I gonna say, "Yeah! Think about it!"

Damnit.

Fuck you, Hormones

2008-01-06T15:11:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling a fair amount of anxiety lately over really inane things...

For instance, leaving the house tonight without Brian. I'm fine, he's fine, I know there's no reason to stress- but thinking about going out alone is causing me to feel (a fairly small amount) of anxiety. I dunno what my deal is, it's really REALLY unlike me.

Oh that's right- HORMONES. I feel like the guy in Knocked Up, "Fuck you HORMONES! You are a crazy BITCH HORMONES!"

Honestly...

We didn't do a whole lot this weekend but that's okay by me. I've really battled with exhaustion this whole pregnancy, but everyone tells me it's normal. I had my moments, but facing the 3rd trimester now I feel like I'm sleeping all the time again. And it's not just the cold season.

Going out with the girls tonight, should lighten my mood <3

2008-01-04T08:22:00.000-08:00

I spent most of the day sleeping yesterday and started to feel better in the evening.

I'm pretty sure I caught a minor bug, cause that's exactly what it feels like. Tired a lot, stuffed up, achey, etc.

I woke up this morning completely baffled why my thighs felt like I had run a marathon- and then I remembered that I did yoga yesterday. For such a low impact exercise it sure does it's job!

***

I won Davin's crib set off of Ebay yesterday. I paid a little more than I expected to, but it was about the same price as most other sets (except for walmart, which only came with 4-5 pieces). I don't love EVERYTHING about the set, but I can add a few things once we get it. (see above, I don't like this blogger cause it won't put the photo where you want it to go!)

I'm going to make my own wall hangings (batik) and get a different mobile (one of the battery operated ones with crib soothers and wall projections). Overall, I think that it was a pretty good deal for so many damn pieces.

***

I've been pretty lazy this week, I need to get back into a routine and keep up on the housework and such. Hopefully I kick this cold soon, cause it isn't helping my motivation.

Sick?

2008-01-03T08:29:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling really tired and run down the past couple of days.

Over the Christmas break I didn't eat like I should have. I didn't stuff my face with cookies, obviously, but we had a lot of dinners out and away from home that probably weren't the healthiest things I could have eaten.

AND, I defenitely didn't exercise like I needed to.

Yesterday I got back into a cardio routine- for barely 30minutes and it made me feel sick. I drank 2 QUARTS of water to make sure I got back into drinking enough of it and probably could have had more.

I woke up this morning still feeling yucky, stuffed up and nasious. I dunno what's going on.

Maybe I caught something from a family member or a friend. I hope not.

Of course, I start getting paranoid thinking of all the terrible things that could be wrong with me...and I probably just need to eat something healthy and rest.

I'm being censored!

2008-01-02T12:22:00.000-08:00

So...on Monday afternoon I felt it imparative to respond to a post I saw on one of the mommy boards, (First time Mommies between 18-25). A girl asked for advice regarding her boyfriend, because he was sneaking around to watch porn and she felt like she couldn't trust him.

I responded and really watched what I said. Mind you, I wanted to say, "You are being absolutely ridicuolous, get over it" but I was nice(r) about it and said something along the lines of,

When my husband was married for the first time, his wife was very anti-porn. Because of this, he had to sneak around behind her back to watch it. I believe that because there was such a huge taboo on porn in his house, he found it more appealing to watch.

I don't personally have an issue with porn, and my husband NEVER watches it. Even if it is my suggestion, he doesn't find it interesting.

(Generally) Guys are going to watch porn. It's almost ingrained in their psyche. If it's not porn, it's a stripclub or some other form of female entertainment. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it's just male instinct. You have to stop and ask yourself if this is worth breaking the relationship over? Does it bother you so much that you don't love him anymore?

Or can you step back and ratonalize the behavior. A little porn once in awhile when you aren't around vs. him sleeping with someone else (or some other undesireable behavior). It's up to you.

This isn't exactly how I worded it. I was respectful and told her that she needed to make her decision based on how strongly she felt porn was such a terrible thing. I didn't ridicule her for feeling this way, although part of me wanted to.

I went back to see her response, and the post was deleted! lol.

This website is out of control, seriously.

Back to Reality...

2008-01-02T10:07:00.000-08:00

I didn't realize it was going to be so difficult for me when Brian went back to work.

Granted, most of the time he was on vacation he didn't get up with me- he got up and played wow in the morning. So not having him around this morning wasn't the strange part. It was just getting up and thinking of doing routine stuff without him that seemed odd.

I got used to having him with me if I needed to go somewhere. Or having his help if I needed to get something.

Back to doing things alone and figuring out how to keep my life sane, for the moment.

***

The last couple of nights I've started having a really hard time holding any significant amount of liquid. On New Year's, I had about 12oz of water and almost immediately, had to go to the bathroom. This continued throughout the night and the host was wondering if I was going into labor or something.

It is ridiculous.

Consequently, I got up about 10 times last night to pee. Back to this fun routine again, can't wait.

Goodbye 2007

2007-12-31T12:37:00.000-08:00

Damn, 2007 has been one rough year.

The last few weeks, I've been considering milestone markers (like holidays and birthdays) and thinking where I was at those markers last year. The first time that made me consider this was Brian's birthday, 2006. Which was a complete and utter disaster. I reminiced again on Christmas eve, remembering driving to my grandma's house hungover and drained.

Looking back a year ago to New Year's Eve, all I can remember is how disconnected Brian and I were. Him at home, sick in bed, and me out partying with my friends all night. Honestly, there was no reason for me to feel bad for him, he was sick because of his own actions. But I think back to partying hopping and getting as fucked up as possible that night and I wonder if I was just trying to fill the void we had left in each other.

I started out 2007 wondering if Brian and I would make it. I had already called off the wedding for October and started to contemplate moving out. I spent a week away from him in April and strangely felt very little saddness being away from him. We continued to push on and push each other- for reasons unknown.

In June, we took a trip with my family to Mexico and I think we both started to see each other in a new light. I saw that he could handle himself and drinking alcohol, around the people that matter most to me. I could tell my parents started to really respect him and I nearly cried when I saw him building a relationship with my brother (something even I have yet to accomplish).

It gave me the movitavtion I needed to hold on.

When I saw that "pink unholy plus sign" (quoted from the movie, Juno) I cried for over an hour straight. I recall crying again that evening when Brian got home and probably a few more times after that. I know for about the first month, crying was my m.o. When I considered having children, I pictured a very different world. I imagined Brian and I married, finally working together as a couple. Respecting each other, dealing with our problems like adults (not with alcohol or drugs) and finally in what I considered a stable relationship.

Nothing ever turns out the way you want it to.

My ultimate fear was never that Brian would be a bad father. Nor did I fear that Brian would leave the baby and I on our own. It's just not in his heart to do that. I was only afraid that our child would be a temporary band-aid for deeper issues, that would only resurface after he/she was born.

Davin has been a consious part of our existence for almost 6 months now. Every day I find myself feeling more and more like I made the right decision to marry Brian. When I met Brian, I had told him we would get married someday. Part of that may have been naiive but now I really believe that I could see all of the potential we had together.

Inside of the totally disfunctional relationship he and I created, is a foundation that I believe will withstand a hundred more beatings. We've weathered each other and seen the worst from both of our personalities. The things you never want to see in your spouse- we've witnessed and forgiven.

It's almost time for us to begin to raise a child together and although it still scares the hell out of me, I know in my heart that we will be okay.

Last NYE, I had no idea where I was going with life. Brian and I were so fragile and everything that we had worked for looked as if it was slipping away. I spent the night overindulging and escaping the reality that I had built. I'm proud to say that a year later, I've worked hard enough to get myself to the point that I no longer feel it nessicary to escape- because I love the reality I have made.

Baby Products

2007-12-30T10:23:00.001-08:00

I didn't start looking around at baby stuff until now and I'm already overwhelmed.

Consumer reviews vary greatly, there are so many different opinions....I just don't know where to start.

I have to start registering and I'm losing my mind!

I wish there was a website that just said, "buy this car seat" and "don't buy this diaper bag". All the guesswork would get taken out and I wouldn't be wracking my brain over all of this crap.

***

We bought a mattress topper last night. It's made out of memory foam. I'm so tired today because I slept so hard last night. It's kind of ironic, you would expect to sleep BETTER on a new mattress (so to speak). It'll take me a little while to get used to, but my back feels fantastic.

Cravings & Bitchy Mom's

2007-12-29T08:30:00.000-08:00

Oddly enough, most of my cravings have invovled fish.

Which is why I was in HEAVEN last night when we went to Hapa's.

After dinner, we went to see the movie Juno. Hands down, one of the best movies I've seen in awhile. The dialouge kept you lauging the whole time, even during some of the most serious of parts. You would think because the movie is about a pregnant teenager I liked it that much more, like I could relate to it or something, but that wasn't really the case. I was so impressed with the movie and the comedy, that I really had very little time to feel like I was relating. I liked that.

***

I've noticed on Cafemom.com (the only place I've found to vent about pregnancy and other random issues) that there are two girls on one particular board that love to attack me every time I make a worthwhile post. This stems from a misread conversation. One of them posted an article about The Golden Compass, and of course, shit hit the fan. I chimed in and suggested that all the women be tolerant of one another (on the board, in conversation) and the original poster assumed I was calling her INTOLERANT. She jumped down my throat, and ever since then her and her due date lackey have taken every chance they've gotten to bash a post that doesn't have to do with something simple like gender or baby furniture.

I put in my 2 cents on Homeschooling to a Mother who asked for everyone's opinon. Seeing as I am a LISCENCED teacher and I was homeschooled for several years, I figured my opinon was just as valid (if not more so) than anyones. I immediately got attacked for using the wrong adjective to descirbe how often the state will test a homeschooled child and because I related my feelings from when I was homeschooled (lonely) she assumed I was saying homeschooled children are not socialized.

I had to come back and politely bite my tounge.

I swear to god, I just wanted to say, "Listen, bitch. Why don't you quit fighting with me 10 times a day and go back to homeschooling your kid like you claim you're doing". Not quite sure how she's a successful educator at home when she spends half her fucking life on cafemom.com posting worthless shit about how she's going to decorate her baby's room.

It's increasingly evident to me that unless I lurk, I will always get into arguments with people over the internet. It's frustrating when you don't have very many people to talk to or relate to in real life- so you reach out for support over the internet and get your hands bitten off.

*sigh*