::marriage::

There were a lot of things that bothered me about being pregnant and not married yet.

I really didn't anticipate this. I've never been one to do things the traditional way. In high school, I was constantly going against the grain- and against the ideals of the christian religion (the focus of my school). I wasn't worried about having sex before I was married, nor was I concerned about cussing, drinking or doing anything else I felt was fun and exciting.

Needless to say I've never been very stuck on what is "right".

But the minute that I found out I was pregnant, I cried. I cried because I was so shocked, I cried because of the unknown, and I cried because this was defenitely not how I had "pictured" it.

I never thought that I would feel like being pregnant without being married was wrong, but in my heart I was afraid that something just wasn't right.

I think that my feelings were not nessicarily coming from a moral stanpoint, like Jesus was looking down on me and shaking his finger...but more from the immediate response from my body wanting to do everything possible to give my baby every opportunity.

And unfortunately, I felt like Brian and I's relationship was just not giving our child the proper foundation to thrive.

We've struggled for a long time to find balance and peace. I know that he loves me, because whenever the opportunity presents itself- he does treat me like a princess. Even my friends admit that when things are going the way they should be, he treats me the way I deserve. But throughout our struggles have been a lot of pain and more hard times than nessicary. My ideal path for our relationship was to heal and rebuild before marriage, and then eventually start a family after we have had the time to enjoy what we deserve.

But as many have told me, children come when they're ready...and I guess ours was more than ready.

We've begun to rebuild and heal. Things over the last month and a half have been more peaceful than any other time I can remember since we have moved into this house. The happiness and comfort I have felt is comparable or exceeds the way I felt when we first met (which I would descirbe as pure bliss). I felt like finally, we have found common ground for respect and that has given our love for each other the proper environment to grow again.

We were supposed to get married on Oct 20th this year. When we began to struggle, I postponed it because I did not feel ready to commit my life to a relationship that felt vulnerable and completely unstable.

It's funny how things can come full circle.

A few weeks ago, I approached Brian and told him that if we were going to be required to get common-law married, then we should just take the "plunge" and get a marriage licence. A few days ago, on a whim, we decided to get the licence and do something special- on the same day that we were supposed to get married this year, October 20th.

I fretted over something, "perfect". The best place that we could spend time together, outside of our home, and make it something that we could remember. Something we could tell our children about. We will be going to Estes Park on Saturday, and after spending some quality time together- we'll sign on licence.

My parents still want to give us a wedding celebration, maybe late next year. I will wait and see how I feel, as I would prefer to do it once the chaos of having a newborn has calmed down and I have the energy to plan and lose the baby weight.

But for now, I feel more secure in the idea that we will have a stronger foundation for this little one.