Goodbye 2007

Damn, 2007 has been one rough year.

The last few weeks, I've been considering milestone markers (like holidays and birthdays) and thinking where I was at those markers last year. The first time that made me consider this was Brian's birthday, 2006. Which was a complete and utter disaster. I reminiced again on Christmas eve, remembering driving to my grandma's house hungover and drained.

Looking back a year ago to New Year's Eve, all I can remember is how disconnected Brian and I were. Him at home, sick in bed, and me out partying with my friends all night. Honestly, there was no reason for me to feel bad for him, he was sick because of his own actions. But I think back to partying hopping and getting as fucked up as possible that night and I wonder if I was just trying to fill the void we had left in each other.

I started out 2007 wondering if Brian and I would make it. I had already called off the wedding for October and started to contemplate moving out. I spent a week away from him in April and strangely felt very little saddness being away from him. We continued to push on and push each other- for reasons unknown.

In June, we took a trip with my family to Mexico and I think we both started to see each other in a new light. I saw that he could handle himself and drinking alcohol, around the people that matter most to me. I could tell my parents started to really respect him and I nearly cried when I saw him building a relationship with my brother (something even I have yet to accomplish).

It gave me the movitavtion I needed to hold on.

When I saw that "pink unholy plus sign" (quoted from the movie, Juno) I cried for over an hour straight. I recall crying again that evening when Brian got home and probably a few more times after that. I know for about the first month, crying was my m.o. When I considered having children, I pictured a very different world. I imagined Brian and I married, finally working together as a couple. Respecting each other, dealing with our problems like adults (not with alcohol or drugs) and finally in what I considered a stable relationship.

Nothing ever turns out the way you want it to.

My ultimate fear was never that Brian would be a bad father. Nor did I fear that Brian would leave the baby and I on our own. It's just not in his heart to do that. I was only afraid that our child would be a temporary band-aid for deeper issues, that would only resurface after he/she was born.

Davin has been a consious part of our existence for almost 6 months now. Every day I find myself feeling more and more like I made the right decision to marry Brian. When I met Brian, I had told him we would get married someday. Part of that may have been naiive but now I really believe that I could see all of the potential we had together.

Inside of the totally disfunctional relationship he and I created, is a foundation that I believe will withstand a hundred more beatings. We've weathered each other and seen the worst from both of our personalities. The things you never want to see in your spouse- we've witnessed and forgiven.

It's almost time for us to begin to raise a child together and although it still scares the hell out of me, I know in my heart that we will be okay.

Last NYE, I had no idea where I was going with life. Brian and I were so fragile and everything that we had worked for looked as if it was slipping away. I spent the night overindulging and escaping the reality that I had built. I'm proud to say that a year later, I've worked hard enough to get myself to the point that I no longer feel it nessicary to escape- because I love the reality I have made.