Battles

I don't care if he gets pissy at me, I'm going to put my foot down when I fucking feel like it.

I'm not a controlling wife; I don't keep him from going out (if he ever wanted to that is), I don't try to keep him from playing video games (just beg him to spend SOME time with me) and the ONLY thing I've asked from him is to learn self control with his drinking.

He's done well, but he's not out of the woods. I don't think he'll ever be. Alcoholism is a disease, not a dirty pair of pants you can take off and wash- and forget about.

I will break the cycle. Davin will not grow up seeing what I saw and unfortunately, as sad as this will be for me, that will mean spending a very limited amount of time with his Great Grandfather and other family members I have that are still struggling.

The moment I ever suspect Brian not controlling his drinking with Davin, I will be gone. Period. There are no two ways about this. I'd rather be a single mom than see my child struggle with all of the painful questions I struggled with for so long.

I love my husband, I really do. Marrying him was neither a decision I made hastily, nor was it an easy decision by any means. Honestly, we both had to have a lot of love for each other to make it through the hell we created. I've stood by him and fought for what we had because I truly believed he could get better and that his self-control would create an atmosphere in which we could rebuild our relationship. I was correct in my assumption, but I was also aware this is a battle we will fight for the rest of our lives together.

As much as he makes me feel like I just kicked a puppy sometimes, I refuse to feel guilty any longer. I am doing the best I know how so that we can be a family and I will not ever feel bad about that.